Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-04-06 18:48:29 (UTC)

Despair. I Hate Everything.

4-6-02
Noon

Ive forgotten the tide
Steadfast
Illusions in the mind
Gentle lapping
Shoreline exposed
Caressing waters
Sloshing
Wiping away the past
Cleansing the soul


I dont know if thats a poem or an anti poem. Ive lost my
ability to write. Ive lost everything. I hate everything. I
hate everyone but dont have the mother fuckin nerve to die.
That angers me. Everything angers me. I am so hurt. I hate
when people i love break important promises. Well no more.
Im through. Id rather live and die alone then be with
people who lie and put material things above me.

I have no job. Have been trying to find one but havnt. Im a
failure.

Blood
Pour forth
Cleanse me of this poison
You've infected me with
Let me feel pain
So I may live again


The only child i will ever have is dead. And I didnt even
have an abortion. And i didnt do anything wrong, my body
just failed it. I mean i was going to have an abortion but
the fact that it died on its own bothers me. I mean, Ill
never have kids and I killed the only child i would ever
have. Its depressing.

I can no longer feel joy. Everything is black. Silent.
Hanging clouds of doom, linger and lower. Things that made
me happy now make me angry. My love is tainted by lies. No
friends to escape with. No where to go. No nerve to die.
Can I drive somewhere far away and live? It cant be any
worse then here. Living hurts so much. Loving hurts so
much. I want nothing more to do with mortality.

Maybe I should include alcohol in my plan of my demise. Killing
myself using the same poison that brings me so much pain. Its
brilliant.

Work is non existant. Life sucks. I am
depressive/suicidal/angry/heartbroken