6445bekiM

all i need is my friends and family to believe in me

it almost seems not true. everyone has friends, everyone
has family, no matter how limited or how expansive they
maybe. a person could be ignored by both, or appear to not
have any friends at all, but there will always be someone
who likes them, someone who enjoys there company. over the
past few weeks, it's becoming more and more of a frequent
feeling that i want to disappear. just for a week maybe.
but i have too many obligations. perhaps im writing this so
some could, like you, read this as reply saying something
positive, such as "im sure your a good person, and deciding
to fiend off your friends and family is not what you need."
it seems to me that no one really cares about me, they
only "keep me around" because i might be "cool" or funny.
and people use me as a person to talk to, someone who'll
remember what they say, because they know i will. all i do
in this journal is talk about myself, partly because it is
mine, and because i try not to talk about myself too much
to others. that kinda pisses me off, someone so involved in
themselves that they don't listen to what others have to
say. i try to do the opposite of that. which i guess might
have me come off as an asshole or self-centered to you
reading this. assuming someone is reading.
my birthday is on tuesday, and i have some plans with
some friends to do something, im not sure what. but a few
have said, "your gonna love your present", as of now, im
thinking they only got me these gifts because i got
something for them, and they don't want to see like
bitches. anyway, i think im just gonna not show up. i think
ill just go to school and hang out in dearborn all day, not
answer my cell, and just be alone. of course id always have
to come back to the questions, "where have you been?" "what
the fuck happened on tuesday?" "what the hell is goin on?".
i don't really want to deal with that, especially because
the answers id have would all be along these
lines, "nowhere" and "nothing" and "i don't know".
i had a lot of different thoughts i wanted to get down
on "paper" when i first sat down, but now i've forgotten a
lot of them, and i've replaced them with other thoughts,
ones that occured at the moment of another, and truged
their ways through my fingers. now im kind of at a blank.
maybe ill just put my clothes in the dryer and forget about
this until tomorrow night when i get home. oh yeah, after
work (i won about $80 on instant lotto and played probably
$15) i went to lauren's and watched "American Pyscho" with
lauren and giulia. me and giulia are weird, we'll hang out
everyday for like a week, like she stayed the night on my
couch for like 5 days, then i won't talk to her or see her
for 2. im still not sure if i like/want/love her or
whatever. i guess ill find that out in due time, i guess
ill find that out when i find myself out. my chest and
heart feel lighter having said that. maybe cause i think
your reading it.

mjb