Realizations of a 24yr old convict
2001-05-22 11:28:06 (UTC)

lost hope

You know today was along day to me even though I only
woke up 12 hours ago, with school and everything I was
doing I was running 20 hour days all the time.
Today i was a total little bitch seriously fucking crybaby!
this entry could be really long but Ill try to keep it to a
minimal, Heres how it works sorta you know there is no real
roll models and there is no standard anymore you know I try
so hard to be a man but who shall be my equel who shall
truly understand and respect me as that shurly not these
fucking grown boys and little bitches with skinned knees I
deal with every day.Somtimes I have to wonder if we all
didnt go to prision to find each other to know other men
other people who still lived by respect and handling your
biz ness as a man(not talking about fighting) even though
the whole time I was there I though what a bunch of weak
fuckers they should be out there looking out for their
familys and loved ones,But fuck at least they belived it
was the right thing to do even if they werent doing it.
So heres how it works I once wrote about a girl who spends
all day doing her nails and then watches rosie and riki and
I though fuck it would be the end of her if she every had
to contemplate life love and the loss of god,but today I
relized mabe to walk in her shoes is a comfortable walk
cause Im shure she never does contemplate these things and
Im shure it saves her days like these,
Heres how things kinda work with me (today) it starts
with the thought that mabe somone I respect isnt worth my
respect just a quick thought that passed quickly then going
to work and realizing once again that its a total joke,
and the people there are weak and 30years old and lost,
this world has confused them to the point that theyll never
get it.And to realize that I carry these mother fuckers me
and my boy do. And you know I care about my work and I have
a good work ethic (thanks pops)and you know I have know
problem sweating 10 hours straight and stressing to make
shure things happen all day baby Im your man Id breack
myself for anybody who hired me.But heres what I wont do
and I did for a while was I thought alright these people
pay me to make this fucker run and make them money Im cool
with that thats biz,But you know what they pay these other
people to do half the shit Im doing and why would they
think about getting rid of them cause there works always
done shipments get made parts get made,Yeah cause me and my
boy do it,And this isnt so much about me having to work
this is about people getting paid that dont do a fucking
thing and my boy fuck they should seriuoly reconize how
much he does.
So heres how my mind works I start tripping on how fucked
up somthing is then the spin comes the downward spirial
whichs lead me to see al the hoplessness all the lost fate
the whole state of the world and I start to see all the
people and I think once I wrote have faith there are still
some good people out there and I think fuck am I giving
false hope is it all lost cause I cant see a fucking thing
worth saving and all of a sudden its all lost no more soul
saving girlys no more good dudes they all seem so far away
as if a distant memory and heres where it rest, what about
the kids whos gonna teach the kids how will they ever make
it and I see them in my head young and presious and I see
there minds waiting to be opened and learn and instead of
hope and faith and happyness theyll only see this this
dismal view full of lost hope and hate and how will they
know direction with no one to lead them when no one they
see knows anything.the human race over run by the humanity
they built,
Theres so much more but I cant captivate it in this short
entry but then when its all said and done and Ive made it
to the bottom of the spin there where even I see know hope
I could cry really but Its a hurt more than tears could
convey and I think no one knows and feels this but then I
know they do and mabe they dont contemplte the misery from
as many angles but they know it,and I think Ive got to
reach them to tell them Ive lied and there is no hope
dont try to find it and please dont read that book cause
when the pain comes it only comes with one more ounce of
pian and the knowledge you shall posses and see that know
one else seem to own or care about will be the staw that
breaks the camels back and I wanna call all the Ex junkies
I know and saw gain hope and strength to get a rig and just
do fat shot cause Ive seen the light and I got so close It
just burned me,and I shall quote over pa's and in the news
papers as a pained man before me had asked"My friends why
my friends did we seek the sun was it the light or the heat?
I only ask cause now sitting here blinded and burnt and
with a thirst Id never know in the caves I cant seem to
Any ways there is so much more to this so much like I
told my boy I wasnt the one and he tryed to pull some old BS
and I was like fuck it you know Ill handle it,and instead
of getting outta the street and letting me do it he was
like sombodys gotta do it Ill do it well Ive gotten real
good about letting other people cut there own throughts
by trying to bull this kinda bull shit that whole I know
sombody doesnt wanna do somthing so when you volenteer they
act like you gotta kiss there ass or act like there doing
you a favor type trip I dont know if that makes since its
like some emotional type trip. EG like you forgot to take
out the trash and the girlys all hot and shes like got it
in her hand by the time you remember and shes like no Ill
just do it so like you gotta argue with her just to take
out the trash even though you know god dam well she dont
wanna take it out,so check ,first sign of that kinda drag
its just a simple ok enjoy,cause like I need some old drag
like that in my life the thing is they just get hella more
pissed if you let them do what there all Im gonna do it
about, So I bounced as soon as he started that drag
Which he is my boy and I should have stepped up and been
the bigger man and played the roll for him,but I wasnt
feeling it,So then comes this feeling the whole I know I
fucked up and still have time to change it
but for some reason I just cant bring myself to do it,
and I can see the whole thing the way Im acting the I cant
swallow my pride the whole backing my play with the I dont
give a fuck attitude. FUCK I HATE THAT!
And finally Im saved,Girly shows up who happens to be my
boys daughter how bad is that?And she comes up all sweet
and I Kiss her on her neck and tell her how rad she is and
how lovly she looks then I tell her you are all those
things and more but Im batting a 1000 today in the everyone
I talk to today I wind up seriously injurying catigory and
I really dont want to say somthing thats gonna do us both
And for once in all; of time a girl actully heard that
and left it alone and didnt start tripping that it was some
personal shit towards her and/or try to fix it she really
just left it alone and kissed me and walk away. She came
back like an hour later to see what was up and rambled of
trivial things and to me they all led me deeper into the
the whole world is lost theory every little thing she said
just spun off into somthing huge I cant even explain
Then she spoke of the little one from previos entrys which
of course led to heart shattering thoughs of that girls life
and future but some kinda happyness came just thinking
about who she is today and then some hope cause she will be
rad so rad and with people like girly well not really girly
but with my boy in her life and me kicking it here or there
shell survive and thing started to seem able again and
hopfull again and my life seemed good again and Im not a
junkie(never was,I dont say that cause I think Im better than any of
you junkies out there only to keep the facts straight and not leave
false impression) not a convict not just one of these grown boys
Im sombody positive who makes a differance in this little
ones life some who she sees who she knows isnt so lost so
overwelmed so broken.And all things returned to what they
were hope and faith restored and by who a girly some how
someway she played it just right as they somtimes do and
now happy and ready to sleep and wake up tommarro and keep
on keeping on, And staying positive
With all my