The Shadow of Myself
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2002-04-06 07:15:57 (UTC)

we're too young to be as old as we are...

I just got back in my room from having a talk with one of
my friends down the hall. It turns out that I'm even more
oblivious to things than I wanted to admit to. For the
most part, I've noticed that people seem very well put
together on the outside. It's like they need to be that
way. I suppose I'm not an exception to that at all. I
don't like that people have so many things that hinder them
from enjoying experiences or cause them to seek for the
wrong things in the wrong places. Some people are a little
more extreme in doing that.

What hit me that hardest was hearing one of the girls
say.. "What scares you the most about growing up?" She
wasn't really asking me but I internalized the question
anyway. Then I came to a realization. For the longest
time it seems like we've all wanted to grow up and we've
wanted to be older. Now we're all beginning to see what
it's like. We are seeing that all the things we've wanted
to ignore and that we wanted to pretend weren't there are
right in front of us. Everything is hitting us at once.
If we haven't personally experienced it then we're meeting
someone who has. Hearing them talk about it, and telling
them about what I've gone through is hard. I wanted to be
able to think that everything is ok with everybody. It's
nice to believe that life is simple and nobody has deep
issues. The truth is.. everyone has deep issues. Some of
them will never be solved. Maybe it will be because the
person was too scared of the pain to search for the
answer. Maybe it will be because they can't find the
answer. Who knows...

I just know that everything is changing. I have to deal
with things I haven't dealt with before and most of it is
pretty tough stuff. It's the kind of stuff I have tried to
avoid. I suppose I knew one day I would have to deal with
it.. but I didn't want to think of when. It was just a lot
easier to pretend that nothing was changing.

I am praying for a lot more things and people. I'm
listening to a lot more life stories and soaking them in.
I'm watching people from a different perspective. I'm
understanding myself better. I'm learning what really
matters.. only this time.. I'm believing it. I'm
appreciating friends more. I'm giving more of myself and
expecting less in return. I've learned that I don't always
know what I need.. and it's ok.

Things probably won't get easier. I know everything is
going to change more. But even if things don't get
easier.. maybe the changes will make it seem that way.
Anyway it goes.. God is with me. So I don't have to


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