Gracie422

~In My Life..
2002-04-06 03:34:27 (UTC)

(This is for Ben)

Listening to: Beatles, of course..."Eleanor Rigby"

Well, I'm heading to Middlesex & I'm okay with it. I
thought I'd kill myself before I went there but I'll deal
because whatever way it takes me to becoming what I want
I'll do it! And I get to teach another class again next
year, so that makes me happy because I love teaching those
kids. I don't know if every senior goes through this or not
but I am just not meshing with my friends anymore.
Actually, just one in particular. Sometimes I really wonder
where being nice actually gets you. I am one of the nicest
people, I really am. I'm voted Most Optimistic and given
the Good Samaritan award. Yet, I get shit on. Grr, fuck it!
Sometimes I don't feel like being so nice. I walk on
eggshells around her, always have. So she's finally dating
someone and changes 100%. She's not even an ounce of what
she used to be. It's almost sad, but her new person makes
me so angry, it totally overlaps the disappointment. She
ditches us, lies, and talks behind our backs. I confronted
her today, but of course she has to lie. What do I do about
my birthday? Doesn't that sound trivial? But its not. I
want to invite her because I've loved her for years. But
she's turned into someone I totally don't know and don't
like anymore. She's so...mean, how she is so quick to pick
everyone's faults, but the one's she has would kill all her
friendships if anyone EVER found out. I have to room with
her next week and let me tell you, I will not let her
damper my week. See who you have when all your "glory"
ends, really. I've learned soo many lessons the hard way
about friendship that she can think twice that it'll ever
be the same. I concerned myself with only my closest,
fewest friends this year, but shit still happened. Maybe it
always goes like that, maybe everyone is supposed to hurt
everyone else. It seems a way of life. My dad is full of
wise, old remarks that I rarely appretiate, but he's taught
me well nonetheless. He told me my parents would always be
my best friends, no matter what. He was right. And he
always told me to live by the motto "One hand shakes the
other." It's so true! However I am too nice to really abide
by that. I just let myself get shit on sometimes cause it's
just easier...easier then some confrontation that I could
only imagine in my head. Thank god for Brian, Alex &
Anthony, too. Some people are worth the pain they put you
through sometimes. I'm ready to get out of here, just
leave. If I really want to stay in touch with anyone, I
will.

Anthony left for a 2 day concert today. It's so weird...I
miss him, alot, but I know it's only that "alot" because
he's out of state. I really miss him because I know I can't
reach him, he's really away. Next year will be so hard;
he'll have this whole new life. There are so many people we
both haven't met yet. What if he meets her and wants to be
with her? He'll realize I'm not what he wanted, that we
really aren't meant to be together. I'm scared of fate
tricking me. I'm scared to meet someone else, too. All I
think, everyday, is that I can't wait till 5 years down the
line where we can get really serious. Right now, I can't
imagine waking up to anyone else, or even having my babies
with anyone else either...and, as weird as this
sounds...BEING... to anyone but him for the rest of my
life. ....yeah, yeah but I feel it anyways. I shouldn't
worry so much! I'm such a conservative thinker. Sometimes I
hate it. I met this guy this week, Ian, who I was attracted
to...and I got so mad at myself for thinking so. That's how
closeminded I am. Is that good?




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