moshingkow

the expunged refuse of my evil mind
2002-04-06 02:00:37 (UTC)

happy or not

i think i have some sort of medical condition.

today morgan asked me if i was happy. i told her i was
happy because i had her. she asked if i was happy in
general, disreguarding her. i couldnt give her a straight
answer. on the way home, i started thinking about what
she said, and i realized that besides the times when im
thinking about or with morgan, im not happy. i dunno, i
guess i whine too much, but i cant deny how i feel.
things just never work out in my head. i cant just feel
happy. i always felt like i was never meant to behappy.
its kind of a melancholy feeling to be happy about
morgan, but then to also be sad about the rest of my
life. morgan thinks she is co-dependant. i think i am
too, or at least i tell myslef that. i dunno whats true in
my head anymore. i really need a therapist to bitch to. i
bitch to morgan alot, but i hate when i do that. i bring
her down when i fall, all the time. i cant do that to her. i
love her too much. i really do. i just want to smash the
forehead of my skull into the edge of my desk right now.
life isnt in my favor. i guess i do have alot to be thankfull
for, but i dunno, its just not right. i dont feel like i belong
here. i think that i would fit much better elsewhere. i
thought that if i had morgan, i would be happy. but if i
diddnt have her, and if we were distant, that i would get
sadder and sadder. i guess that was my mentality
when i tried to kiss her at owls head. im still kicking
myself for that. i really want her to call me now. i wish
she was here. i wish i could be with her, right now, right
here, in this moment of clarity.




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