It doesn't end, ever ever ever ever...
The day from hell was today. I don't even know where to
begin. But in a summary, life sucks.
Well, I worked a 10 hour work day today. At the time, it
sucked, but believe it or not, it was the highlight in this
day of my pitiful life. I made a lot of cash so that I can
get out of the red numbers.
I came home to my 'loving' family after work. I asked
(since I am 18 and done with a year of college, I can in
actuality just tell) my dad if I could go out with my
firends. His response: "You're burning the candle at both
ends," meaning that I can't work and go out. (Keep in mind
that this is the FIRST day this summer that I have
attempted to go out and work at the same time) Ok, he may
have a point, that is, if I were to stay out until 4am and
go into work at 8am. Seeing my befuddlement, he
says "You're not getting enough sleep." WHAT??!! Ok, a.)
I get plenty of sleep now. In fact I got 10 hours of sleep
last night!! and b.) What the hell does he know, he is
never at home during the day to know what even goes on, so
he is making false accusations about something he knows
absolutely nothing about. But here's the kicker... I come
to find out later that this little 'talking to' of his to
me wasa actually his attempt at making sure that i am
keeping my depression in check. Hmmmm........ what??!!
Nice attempt. And on top of that even, he knows LESS about
my depression than he does my sleeping patterns, which, as
I have written, he knows NOTHING about.
Well, I go out tonight, and I come home (at 1am so that I
can get up for work tomorrow morning) only to meet my MOM
still awake, waiting for me. And she is shaking.
Apparently she 'saw' (i.e. looked through) my stuff in my
room and found a knife, yes, one that I use on myself. She
was flipping out, I calmed her down, assuring her that I am
fine now and that the knives were only out because I
happened to run across them. To make a long story short, I
talked with her for about 30 or 45 minutes, calming her
down so that she could sleep (SHE needs it more than me, I
don't know why my dad won't hound her about it).
Both my parents make it seem like they want me better
more than anyone else, seemingly forgeting that I kinda
want to get better too. They frickin treat me like I WANT
the manic depression to keep on going. My goal is to get
away from it. When I went to get help for it, it was to
help make it dissipate in the past. But its interesting
how much WORSE it is now, after I got help, mainly because
people won't DROP it. Even if I got rid of it mentally,
there will always be people hounding me about it, not
letting me let it go. It will undoubtedly always be a
piece of my shitty life until its all over. Because I want
to keep my mother sane, I put on a mask for her. No I am
not nearly as perfect as I made it sound to her, but I have
learned that what they don't know can't hurt them. I am
tired of this monkey business. If I am gonna be a screwed
up looney with bipolar disorder, then I would like to do it
in peace without all the hype.
I have more to write, but I need to get to bed for work
tomorrow. Hopefully I can continue this then....