2002-04-05 06:16:49 (UTC)

am i truly insane? or just depressed?

shit, ok, im gonna take some time and re-evaluate my life a
little to see if i do need help. im not sure on how ill
organize it, but i have some sort of idea...

life-long conditions:
-the mercury sense. let's see, i've felt this narcotic-
like ecstasy feel in (starting from earliest memory...) one
tiny toons episode, saturday anime (mostly credit music),
jungle south park episode, sailor moon (especially mercury
[mostly her voice], and all 'special one time songs' like
rainy day, starry night, etc), connie, radiohead
(especially true love waits, motion picture soundtrack,
etc), and a lot of random shit that seems to stimulate it.
-suicidal tendancies. i can vividly remember at my
grandmother's house as a child i once fantasized about
stabbing myself (for reasons i can't remember, and location
didn't really mean anything, just for confirmation,
anyway), felt like giving up when i was stressed; which
sounded abnormally tempting and sweet, now its just a
constantly in the back of my mind.
-gulit. ok, this would probably be the problem id address
if i go to a quack. it has always been constant, even when
i was a obidient child and i had never done anything wrong,
i still felt awful about nothing. when i first started to
slack off morally i'd focus on just those memories. my
most vivid memories are of sins/accidents, those that bring
me pain because of the guilt.
-evil subconscious. whenever i didn't wanna think about
something, such as a spoiler for a movie or something, some
disgusting or unpleasant image, ya know, things like that,
thats all my mind could think about. you name it, if i
didn't wanna remember/think about a thing, that thing was
the only thing i could focus on. nowadays, i kinda hear
voices. i hear it say quotes like "i could kill myself and
no one could care" or just plain encouragements to kill or
cut or abuse myself.

ive never told anyone these problems (except random
ramblings like these, where only random people like you may
come across).

new conditions:
-fits. ah, fits. come to think of it, (i might be wrong)
but i only started to get severe fits when i repressed
memories. fits were never really about specific repressed
memories, but o well, anyway. the formula ive theorized
that causes fits are: an old, painful theory a new,
radical painful theory a situation that hurt someone no
more than a few hours ago (this usually sparks it).
anyway, they're very painful to experience.
-self-mutilation. my brother used to do this, maybe its
genetic. anyway, i usually have the urge to cut when im in
my fits. but surprisingly, i rarely do. except a few
times, but it barely bleeds. plus this one time when i
stabbed my arm a few times with a pencil, that one bled a
lot, but that was out of just anger from my annoying
brother, nothign mercury related.

well, thats me in a nutshell. course, i always wear a mask
of mellowness. but im still an antisocial sad sad person.

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