2001-05-21 23:26:04 (UTC)

Ally Goes Out For Food

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA - Ally, 18, went out to get some food
earlier today after complaining about a "rumbly" tummy.
Scientists at UC Berkeley were convinced the Loma Prieta
Fault and shaken again and caused an earthquake ranking 8.2
on the Richter Scale. This was later confirmed to be a
result of Ally's "rumbly" tummy. The Loma Prieta Fault had
not housed an earthquake since 1989. However, new
scientific advances have proven that the 1989 earthquake
was not at all an earthquake, but once again, a result of
Ally's "rumbly" tummy. Scientists determined this when they
realized the epicenters of every major earthquake in
California in the past 18 years has been Ally's stomach.

How does one of Ally's size go about obtaining a meal fit
for a whale? We followed her around today to find out.
Her first stop was the bank, where she had to sign up for a
Bank of America Visa Card with a credit limit of
$1,000,000. All of this money would later be used on food
before the hour was out. Her next stop was to McDonald's
where she asked how much it would cost to fill up a garbage
can with french fries. The manager charged her $50 dollars
and threw in 3 McDonald's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Game Pieces; she won 2 hash browns and a small drink, which
lasted no more than a few minutes. Tom Crazydick, Vietnam
Vet, stated, "Ally literally engulfed those hash browns. I
had not seen anything engulfed so quickly since the use of
Napalm in the Vietnam War."

After McDonalds, Ally was thirsty, so she drove to her
local Sea World where she drank the entire contents of the
80,000 gallon Killer Whale saltwater tank, after kissing Willy, the
Killer Whale. Willy later came down with every STD
known to man. He is in critical condition. The saltwater
did not set so well with Ally, causing her to burp. The
gas from her burp killed all plant and animal life in a 100
mile radius. Margaret Cunt O'Cheese, 87, died of a heart
attack hearing after the burp. Ally was held with one count of
involuntary manslaughter for the death of Margaret Cunt
O'Cheese, but lawyers did not now how to charge Ally, half
human/half whale, with the murder of another woman. The
Animal Humane Society protested, and Ally was released; her
charges dropped.

George W. Bush stated, "Ally has caused great damage to our
country. We thought that no water, soap, shampoo, and the
loss of sea-life along the California coast was hard, now
Southern California has no plant or animal life, as well as
a french fry shortage, and the loss of a great man, Willy,
the Killer Whale. We will not rest until justice is
served. I have proposed to Congress today a bill that
will enact the teaching of lip reading in public schools so
that you can read my lips when I say that I am not a
crook." Bush was carried off in a straight jacket;
Congress did not pass his bill.