SiobhanQ

Dear Felicity
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2001-05-21 21:54:29 (UTC)

5/21/01

Well its been about 5 days since I have come home. I dont
know how I feel. I guess I should be excitied at the fact
that I am home with my family and that I get to see my
friends at home. But I do miss scranton. yea i know I
complained a lot, but i did have a lot of fun. I do have a
lot of friends there and I know that they have their faults,
but they are good people at heart, at least I hope they are.
I dont know why I wasnt more upset when I left. I guess it
was because I really wanted to come home and see my family.
Especially my grandmother. Ever since my grandfater passed
away, I feel like I shouldnt take the time with her for
granted. She is this amazing person that I dont want to miss
out on getting to know. when my grandfather passed away,
and I was at school, at first I was relieved. basically
becuse he wasnt in pain anymore, but because it was finally
all over and I was getting worried about how much longer my
grandmother could stay healthy with going to the hospital
every day. But about a week and half ago, it suddenly came
down on me. With the wake and funeral happening so quickly,
and then i came back to school and everything was
"normal"right away, i didnt have a lot of time to "grieve"
But then one night, it just hit me, and I couldnt stop
crying, and since then, everytime someone talks about him or
i see his picture, i have to fight so hard to cry. and the
worst part is i cant talk about it with anyone, not even
joe, because I dont think he understands. Everyone looks at
grandparents as supposed to die when we are older, but he
wasnt. He was too young, and I didnt have enough time to
apperciate him. I wasnt ready for him to leave yet. I dont
know.
Then there is the whole joe situation. right now,
things are really good. he is coming home tomorrow and I am
def. looking foward to seeing him very much. But i know this
summer is going to suck because I am going to be working a
whole hell of a lot and he is going to be in delaware for
majority of the time, we arent going to be spending a lot of
time together, which is never a good thing. Just when I am
going to be getting used to him and I spending a lot of time
together, he is going to have to go back to school. Ugh the
vicious cycle starts again. There is also this tremendous
amount of pressure on us to make this summer really good.
Just like he pointed out to me that we havent had a good
summer yet. And that is competely my fault. Both summers. So
it is up to make this better. Which is going to be hard
since I am going to be working so much, but I really need
the money, just like he needs to work out and stay in
delaware. We both have obligations and I dont want to feel
guilty to fulfilling mine. Oh boy, its just with that
happened over his spring break, and how I finally realized
that I really need him and I want him in my life, I dont
want to lose him. and I am so afraid I am going to fuck it
up again.
Speaking of fucking it up, adam came by before I left.
besides the gay emails we send each other, I havent really
spoken to him or seen him. We both said we should put the
past behind us and be friends, but I feel so guilty, like I
am betraying joe. I keep thinking what if he talked to robin
or she came by before they left to go home, how would i
feel?? But the thing is we were friends before everything.
and joe didnt even know that stuid girl. ugh.

well I think that is is for right now, I will probably write
more later, my hand is killing me right now. Thank god I
found this thing, it is going to be my saviour for the
summer.


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