2002-04-04 21:47:09 (UTC)

Don't read this if you're a guy!

I think I figured out why I was so pissed. Two things come
to mind:

B) I was depressed, and my feelings were cramped down. The
thing with a long given up dream just made them come out in
bursts of bitch.

A) I'm gonna have my period soon. (My so called depression
lasted only 3 days, and all of a sudden ended in the middle
of 8th period today.) There was nothing in particular about
Theatre Tech that we were doing that might have cheered me
up. We just had announcements on homework and I was just
like, I'll do that homework (with enthusiasm) and I'll
study for that test, and I'll also do that homework. I was
just like WOW, Now I get it. I guess I just don't know how
my body acts to these things. Maybe it was also a deadly
combination of a not accomplished dream, falling behind,
all crap stacking up, (maybe something with the way the
planets are arranged,) and prabobly cause I'm expecting my
monthly long distance cousin to come. Maybe I snapped like
this before, but it was never this bad. I must have been
using all that, I'm depressed, and everyone is leaving me
stuff, as an excuse since I couldn't think of anything
else. My body always worked like this. All my symptons came
ahead of time almost always. I hope this is what happened.
Now I'll know that every month I'll be like a warewolf, not
very nice 3 days out of a month. :0)

Haha, look at me smile again. Ain't it grand? Well, I gotta
catch up on my work today. Hopefully I'll find Teresa and
Andrew on today. Crap, the letter I sent him apologizing
and criticizing at the same time got picked up already.
Damn. There I called him a ****. (Fuck) I hope he

Also, while I was "in my mood", I started thinking a lot
about the future. Now I'm thinking if what I thought was
crap or not. (I don't want any replies to this convincing
me to do this or that!!!) I thought I should move to some
friendly state. Doesn't exactly mean California. California
seems like a done deal. I don't exactly have much say in
it. It's kinda like: California, live with Teresa, Andrew
and maybe Mark, go to some school that has a theatre major,
(hopefully there will be one where it's just students
interested in theatre. A school that specializes in that
field.) I started thinking that maybe I should go to
Louisiana. Not because of Kayne, but because it's kinda
like partially going to France. The South East side of
France is quite francophone. Also, they have fresh fruit
being sold daily in certain places. I whole market. Just
like Poland. We'd buy fresh fruits and veggies everyday.
Ate it that same day too. And if that fruit or veggie is
not harvested in a certain time, then it is not sold at
all. It is not made in some outdoor place all covered with
white plastic, creating a false climate for that specific
food to grow, also using chemicals. And besides, who
wouldn't want to live next door to the biggest and longest
party of the year? MARDI GRAS!!! I'd have to take a rest at
least once a year, and Mardi gras would be it. Kayne is a
bonus. I'd see him play every now and then since he'd be
still far, yet much closer. He'd hopefully visit me too, if
he won't move to Virginia temporarily. I think it would be
a nice place for me. Hopefully it would have some nice
people. The kind that say "HI." Even to strangers. Just
being nice. It'd be fun. But maybe I'll end up there when I
start my own life after college or something. I also
thought that the good side of California is that L.A. is so
close. But then again, I'm not looking for a movie carrer.
Just plain original on stage acting. Besides, that town
will be crowded as fuck. (Kathy wants to go there. That's
what she said when we were playing poker in division. I
wanted to laugh right there, but I was kinda late on why
she said she's gonna end up in California. You should have
seen her dude. She said it so sure, as though she'd be
god's gift to the acting world. HAHAHA. I saw Grease
yesterday, and it is so obvious why she doesn't get leads.
Besides, she wanted to be Frenchy, and she definately
doesn't fit her. Besides, her voice isn't all that powerful
either, neither is her dancing. She doesn't understand that
just cause you think you're that damn good, doesn't make it
so. And just cause you were in some small grammer school
performances, doesn't make you a pro either. It gives you
an advantage sure, but only if you learned something while
you were performing.)
Anyway, point being, I thought, and am still giving this
some consideration, to go to Southeastern Louisiana
instead. Most likely alone. Everyone ditched me, (almost)
so I thought that I might just ditch everyone and start my
life aknew. Not influence my life by friends. I think that
I'm way out of touch with who I really am. So this way I
can figure out my personality. I think I totally forgot
with all the peer pressure going on and all the supposed
friends who think they know me. I think it'd be best for
me. Although I was looking forward to that whole Cali
thing. I just don't think it's following what I wanna do.
This way, my parents can say it's not just them I wanna get
away from when I wanna leave the house, and that it's not
just another one of (supposobaly) Teresa's crazy ideas.

Well, point being, that's it. I still got some issues, but
I can only deal with them alone. When I'm on my own. Alone!