xdruggie

The Xdruggie Files
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2002-04-04 03:04:41 (UTC)

You're not the boss of me...or why the hell am I such a control freak?

God i thought i was going to sufficate tonight. We were
making masks in my SCP group (the mask we wear to
hide our addiction or why we use...) and all of my
breathing orafices were closed up. I totally freaked. But
the mask is gonna look cool.

But here i am waiting around once again. When i have
something to occupy my time i am fine...but when you
make plans....i tend to get pissed when things don't
follow through...or worse i get obsessive...depressive
and regressive.

No really.

i know shit happens and apparently it happens alot. I
just want to be in control of it....but i am not. This letting
go of stuff is hard to do. And why the hell would i want to
drink or use or act out over this...talk about no coping
mechanisms..LOSER. but i do want to use...in fact i
think it is a natural instinct for me to want to use now....if
it wasn't before i think treatment will do that to you.

I would relapse in a heartbeat if everyone didn't think i
would relapse in a heartbeat. No one has any faith in
me. I guess i don't have any in myself. It is like my
whole life where i try on a personality or a state of being
and then play the role to see if i like it or until i get tired
of it. I am playing the clean and sober role for
today...let's hope i like it.

XD


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