emmychloe

the random confessions of a teenager
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2002-04-04 01:59:19 (UTC)

Damnit Cubed (oh, and my stupidity)

"The worst way to miss somebody is sitting right next to
them and knowing you can't have them."

Yeah...and that you're too stupid to have them.

Damnit. I think I like Ben again. I realized it, and I
cried. Damn him. He's the only boy I've ever cried over.
And to think -- just a few weeks ago, we were talking about
how we shouldn't ever date or anything, b/c it just
constantly screws things up between us. But damnit. I like
him. I think I like him a lot.

Or maybe it's just the fact that he's someone I can totally
turn to. When I was feeling all depressed and shit, I was
talking to him about how much I suck and stuff, and he was
totally supportive telling me how great I am.

Then again, so was Joseph.

Damnit. Rather...Damn Me. Why am I cursed with loving and
supportive friends when all I feel I truly deserve
is...well...nothing???

But I really wish that Ben lived closer to me...cuz I hate
talking on the phone. And I rarely ever see him.

And I know I don't love him...but we do have a screwed up
meshed together sort of life. I liked him at Encampment,
and he liked me, so he broke up with his girlfriend (rather
she told him to break up with her that way he could ask me
out) and I told him to ask out Rachel. So he did and broke
up with he a few days after Encampent. So then in october
we saw each other at a boatride, and we hooked
up...twice...and I decided that that's it: I don't like
him. But he liked me. So by the time I realized I liked
him, he had been trying to get over me...so I tried to get
over him..and he started liking me again...and it's just a
vicious cycle.

My dream guy would be someone who knows I like him, and he
doesn't let me push him away.

I'm serious.

Whenever I like a guy, I push him away. We did like each
other during Encampment, but I told him that I was sorry,
that I liked some other guy, Matt, I think. Whatever. Ben
fell for it and acted kinda sad, but he got over it.

God, I'm such a bitch.

I hook up with guys then I tell them to get over
themselves/go screw themselves. I'm exactly who I never
wanted to be.

But I'm just terreffied to be alone. I swear, I'm gonna be
one of those girls that comes to work every day with
bruises and tells people that she just walked into a
door...and a coffee table...and...yeah. One of THOSE girls.
I'm scared to admit my feelings, but I'm too scared not to.

So...like I said...Damnit. Damnit, damnit. Damnit cubed.

Song: Bonnie Tyler "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
----is that song also called Bright Eyes and Turn Around???

Feeling: "Coming up, vampire welfare queens who r compulsive bowlers"
----Mark, RENT


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