Catrina Can't Figure It Out
2001-05-21 08:00:00 (UTC)


Well, I cant sleep so I thought I would talk about sex. I
love sex. Doesn't everyone? But I gave up sex for Lent, and
yet when Easter rolled around, I decided to give it up
until I was in love, or at least in a serious relationship.
I have had four serious boyfriends. Matt- 1year; Ryan-
2years; Andrew- 1year; and Jake-4months. I have dated a lot
of other people since then but nothing seriously. So I have
been single for a year now, and I have slept with two
people since then. The first one was 15 years older than
me, and the second guy was an Aussie. The sex was good, but
thats about it. I wasn't in love, nor did I really care
about these guys. So I decided sex was something I could
give up. Its really not that hard considering the medicine
I am on (Paxil) makes it hard for me to climax. So that
pretty much takes the fun out of sex. But I think that if i
was with someone I really cared about it would be easier,
or maybe i would just be more patient.
It seems like now all of my friends have boyfriends. It
sucks! I used to be the only one with a boyfriend, and I
always had a boyfriend. Ryan (2yrs) used to get mad and
tell me I couldn't not have a boyfriend. I think he was
just insecure about my feelings for him. I loved him in the
truest sense of the word. He is my sole-mate. I dont think
I just have one, I think with 6 billion people everyone has
more than just one sole-mate. But I feel lucky to have
found him, eventhough we are not together anymore. We are
not even friends now. We live over 1500 miles apart now,
and he doesnt want to be friends. In a way I understand,
but it breaks my heart. I still think about him everyday. I
know I will find love again but I'm scared that he was "The
One". Maybe I won't meet another one of my sole-mates.
I wonder how many people actually meet their sole-
mates. I know my parents are sole-mates. They have been
married for 27 years, and they are still in love. It is
amazing. Sometimes I feel guilty for having parents who are
still married and evenmore, who are happily married and
madly in love. But I think I only feel guilty because it
makes other people jealous or sad about thier own parents.
I think Ryan and I could have what my parents have.
Sex with Ryan was the best. He gave me my first
Orgasm!! It was amazing. We had all different kinds of sex -
you know, sweet, loving, crazy, quickies, kinky,etc....
Andrew and I only f*cked. We never made love, not once. I
asked him why one time, and he didn't understand what I was
talking about...go figure!!!! but with Ryan, we could do
anything. We were so deep on so many levels, that we could
be free. With Jake, I never felt like I could get a little
crazy, it always had to be sweet and gentle. But with Ryan,
man, we could do anything, and we did. That was the only
guy I have ever been like that with. And thats what I think
Sex is all about. It added so much to our relationship. Sex
was an addition to an amazing love and friendship.
Sometimes sex creates a false sense of closeness. But not
with Ryan, we were close, so we had sex.
I'm willing to wait for that again.

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