camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-04-03 14:29:31 (UTC)

empty

today i met a girl with empty eyes.

i came face to face with her along flinders street: short
blonde hair, red lips, denim jacket, handbag, and high
heels. she didn't look slutty at all. in fact, she looked
determined. her eyes locked with mine for one split
second...one split second... and a wave of sadness washed
over me.

her eyes were empty. lifeless. the eyes are the windows to
the soul they say, and i saw nothing but emptiness.

i felt sorry for her. for a moment there, i thought i saw
her life flash before my eyes. of course that wasn't
possible. but a mental picture came to mind, and i saw her
walking along flinders street since the day she was born.
walking. walking. not talking to anybody. alone. in her
denim jacket and high heels.

it's strange really...i could be going crazy...but that was
how i felt when i saw her. i felt that she was trapped in
this tiny corner of the world, forever stuck, forever
caged. i felt sorry for her. i felt sad. i felt empty too.

tonight i went to a circus. i watched a girl fly, spin
around a trapeze, flash a smile from her flushed face. she
was graceful, beautiful, breathtaking. the crowd loved her.
adored her. applauded her. but she looked empty too.

she could be beautiful, she could be graceful, she could
astonish the crowd with her tricks and spins and tumbles.
but who is she? she's part of a circus...a family circus.
she moves from one place to another. she never stays in one
part of the country. does she have any friends aside from
her family? the people inside the circus? does she feel
unfulfilled with her life? does she long to just stay in
one place and live a peaceful life? who is she? she's a
circus act...nothing more, nothing less.

sad to think about it that way. i used to dream to be part
of a circus...to be able to jump from one swing to another,
to be able to make somersaults in mid-air...but then...if i
am part of a circus, then i do nothing but move and perform
for the entertainment of others. i live to please others
and to gain their money. but what about me? i know it
sounds selfish but what about me? i have no friends, no
lover, no education, no self-fulfillment. i have no life.

that's what i felt for those two girls that i encountered
today. perhaps they have no life. that's why they were
empty. that's why the fire behind their eyes did not burn.

i know i have no basis for saying all this. for all i know,
they could be living absolutely exciting lives, spending
money that flowed like water and loving every single day
that they spent on this earth. but......i just felt that
way....they really made me think a lot.

people put on masks all the time. i suppose it's because
they don't want others to see the real them -- their pain,
their sorrows, their joys, their happiness.it could be
their ego or just their ways of coping. i'm not sure if
masks are good or not. i wear masks as well...i wear masks
all the time. i'm a different me to almost every person i
meet. like ts eliot said, 'there will be time...to prepare
a face to meet the faces that you meet...' and that's
exactly what i do. exactly what almost everybody does.
prepare a face to meet the faces that we meet.

i suppose it's our way of dealing with the different kinds
of people that we encounter each day. it's easier to be
quiet when you're with people who talk too much. it's
easier to be a dumbass when you're with people who think
they are the smartest people in the world. it's easier to
be an immature person when you're with people who think
they have lived long enough to tell you how to act.

and that's what i do. i'm different to almost everyone i'm
with. i let people talk...get them to release, make them
feel good about themselves. i would rather keep my thoughts
to myself. write them down here.

i'm seen as dumb, weird, smart, angry, carefree, shy,
aggressive...i'm bittersweet, saltysour, ironic... i'm an
oxymoron.

out of all the masks that i put before me...i don't know
which is the real me anymore. perhaps...i'm none of the
things mentioned above. perhaps i'm something else.
perhaps i'm somewhere in between.