F**KED up life
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2001-05-21 03:32:02 (UTC)

sorry people...

i was writing in here and all the sudden the computer froze
and it didnt save.

so im giong to try and remember everything that i wrote.
and of coures its mostly about staci.

i was talking to her today on the net'. and all the sudden
she just sighed off. not saying bye. witch is unusual. and
of coures if i ever did that to her she would get all mad
at me and suspect taht i was ditching her or avoiding her.
and thats why i never do that to her. but of coures its
different for her. she is aloud to do it. she can do
whatever she wants. and im always still here. it sucks.
FUCKING LOVE SUCKS. especaily when your not even sure you
the only one for her. and that you have no way of ever
knowing if she is or isnt. i know that im the only one. but
the though always come to my mind when she dose soemthing
like that.

and what else was i talking about. umm..oh yah. taylor.
ACROSS THE FACE. she thinks that if she crys she gets what
she wants. and my mom dose give her whatever she wants when
she dose cry. so she crys for every little thing. the only
time she wont give her some is when she is mad. she is like
the worst fucking mom ever. no wonder we turned out like we
did. ...

and any ways. this week has been such a drag. i havent talk
to staci in foever. and thats another thing. i wo three
days with out talking to her cause i was out a lot. and she
thinks that im like so pissed at her and avoiding her. and
i didnt talk to her in 5 days cause she was out alot,and
its not like i supected anything.

but thats just all the little shit i have to go through to
be with her. once a moth. i cant imagen bein with out her.
and she is always taling about when we grow up and shit.
its like i have my whole life planed out. except where to
live. some where cold, i know that. some where like
colorado. and i want to be a computer engineer or game
desinger or networker. well you get the point. and as far
as staci is concerd me and her will be together forever.
and i woulnd mind that. cause then i would be abnoe to
actually see her more then once a month. = ) but i bet you
people are sick about hearing abouther.

ok well what about school. school is almost over. i have 4
more days of school to go through. and two of them are half
days. yay. and then 8 days after that i get my permit. then
my uncle will get me to work with him more often. and i
would get money, and save up money for a car. and then
when i do turn 16 i can go and drive up and see staci more
often. lmao. no matter what i start to talk about i end up
talking about staci. am i sad or what.

well one day i am going to let staci read all this. if she
would want to. i dought it. its alot of reading about
nothing. just me going on and on about her. and well other
stuff like lindsay. and other people that are in my life.
sad to say tat they are. and i have the urge to go get hi
all the sudden. dont know why. i just to be in that feeling
again. taht fellin taht im in a dream, and lost, and have
no clue what time it is. its all weird. although i think i
expericne something differnet when i get hi then most
people. cause i have like dasephu or whatever. when you
know that you have been there. and i like keep waking up.
like as if i as sleep walking and all the sudden i wake up.
and my attention is usually on one thing. for a long time.
or it seems like a long time. and i notice everything. and
that makes time go by a lot slower. i just want to be in
that world again. something that is not the real thing.
something where i dont worry about everything. somewhere
where im just ...i dont know. not really ....i dont know
what i was going to say. i guess iwill just go to lindsay
tomarow and ask her if she has any. cause she had some last
weekend. . but i dont know if she smoked it or not. last
time i saw her she was crying, cause of jonh. i hope i dont
make her cry. cause i know she likes me and all. and that
one day when i said tat it was annoying how she always
hangs on me when im trying to do something. and it is. and
i didnt mean it the way she took it. and now its all hush
hush between us. and i didnt want that. god. fucking life
really sucks. and i know that i have it a whole lot more
easyer then most people. i prolly have it very easy. but
still i have my prolblems and i stuff in my life that suck.
and the other night i was laying in the middle the schools
feild thinking about killing my self. i didnt want to live
any more. but i did think on some reasoons to live. for
other people. i cant kill my self cause the way it would
affect other pople. ...

well im out of things to say....
so i will tell more about my life later

oh. and i highly recomend you people to find the one person
that you love and be with them . and to aperciate that you
can be with them. cause your very lucky if you do find some
one that you love that lives by you. you shcould never take
anythying fro grantet.

well bye bye people
love you staci