Ophelia

please excuse my impulsive freewriting craziness...

may 20, 6:11 p.m.
song of the moment: how to disappear completely by radiohead

everything around me...completely unaware. where the hell
am i. what am i doing here. its like that poem i wrote, the
one for that project for english class, the one
called "pourquoi" and i really like that one and my mind is
racing and i dont know that i want everyone reading this
because i'm not screwed up, just insanely bored or confused
or tired or something. and i wanna get out of here. not
just where i am but who i am and what i see and the people
i know and everything because this isnt satisfactory. i
dont want this anymore. i dont want to wake up every
morning and see the same thing. i want something new. i
want what i want and i know what i want and i cant have
what i want but until i can this will keep going on.
completely dissatisfied and unappreciative. damn me to
hell, i dont appreciate what i have. and its so insane
because when you're fed up with what you have you start
making things up, convincing yourself that things are
different and not how they really are. racing. wildly. too
fast, slow the hell down. everythings going to fast. i cant
cant stop the throughts screaming in my mind. everything
coming at me at once. and i dont want any of it! i am so
sick of everything thats coming to me. i dont want
anything. except for that one thing that i dont have. story
of my entire life. even when i have it i'll find something
new to want but not to have. my god what the hell is
happening and do i even really want to know. i've got to
stop this, i've got to get out of here. because when i'm
here i think what i think right now and i hate this. and
its like when you hear those noises that you're not sure if
they're real but then you notice that someone else heard it
so you're sure that its real. or is it just a coincidence.
and that you're so drawn out from everything that you're
actually silent enough to hear it. everything. i dont want
to have to notice everything because that just gives you
more to be unhappy about. or happy about depending on how
you look at it. and i want to be happy about things but
somethings preventing me. and it isnt myself as much as you
would like to argue that it is. its the fact that
everything is here and i want to be there. love, never
forget to love...love, peace, empathy, mischief, desire,
and gladness forever and ever...longer than forever. thats
the only thing that will keep you alive