Gooeylicious

Day Gone Bad...

My life isn't too interesting i guess... It's probably your
typical bullsh*t teenage problems, but sometimes, I don't
kno, i just feel like the world is seriously going to end.
I guess I should be happy - I am a senior in high in my
last quarter of high school. I just got into my top choice
colleges (Bowdoin & Tufts). But it just doesn't seem
exciting now.

Today was my first day of school (back from Spring Break).
I woke up clear-headed, and incredibly happy because i'm
finally going to get out of high school (lord KNOWS i've
been waiting...). But problems with my boyf have just
seemed to ruin the whole joy of getting out of high
school. It just seemed like everyone else around me is so
happy, but me sometimes. Even though I may act it, i may
look it, I sure as hell don't feel it.

I love my boyfriend... more than anything... more than he
knows. We have been going out for two years, and yea, at
times it's been great, but at other times it's just really
horrible. I don't know if you know what it feels like to
be together with someone, but really you two are split in
the relationship. It's like it's just for show. Like it's
the "norm" to be in a relationship that you're unhappy in.
I kno the easiest thing is just to say, you know what,
let's just break up. We're both unhappy anywayz. But I
just... I just feel like we're so much better than that.
And the love between us that was once so spotless and so
bright is now just smudged and battered. Like the two
people who first entered the relationship are now two
strangers, but two strangers who LOVE each other. Does
that make sense? And it hurts so bad... It affects
everything. I guess because i've gone through high school
with him, and i've been so used to "us". And when it's
not "us" (and more than often it's not): when we just brush
past one another in the halls as if we never even
encountered each other before... fuck yea it hurts.

In a lot of ways, i'm to blame. Even though we
weren't "official", I cheated on him w/ my ex when we first
started going out. This was two years ago, but it still
hurts i'm sure... i know. And i've tried, i guess rather
half-heartedly to talk to him about it, but he kind of
brushes it off because it's a hard thing to talk about...
for both of us. This is actually the first time i'm just
writing it all: my thoughts, my feelings, everything.
Obviously, he felt betrayed and hurt, and absoluetely
disheartened. And i've apologized, and tried to talk to
him (even though when it comes to him, i just get all
flustered and sound like a babbling idiot) but it's just
hard. And every so often, my ex returns. Actually, he's
in the city now and my boyfriend knows that, and things
have gotten even worse. I don't even kno what 2 say
anymore... i guess i'll continue this 2morrow. I just wish
he knew how sorry I am and how selfish i've been and i
realize it NOW. I know it took me a long time to realize
it, but better late than never i guess...