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2002-04-02 02:37:27 (UTC)

spring break blues

Feelings just suck. I've always had a hard time with
feelings and now that I'm sober I just have to walk through
them and see what I'm facing deep down inside. Before this,
whenever my shoulders tensed up or I felt panic, I'd take
something or drink something. NOw, I'm just sitting through
it. I always thought that there was a way out through
another exit. Now the only way out is through my own head.
I feel so fragile, I cannot do this on my own. It's so damn
hard to just walk through the mud. I want to yell at
everyone for putting the mud down there, but really the mud
is there because I created the situations.

It's spring break today and I don't have to go back to work
until next monday. So I've been taking this time to work on
my fourth step and to see movies and enjoy my time. I did a
big girl thing today (I'm 26) and I bought a sofa. As my
sponser says, I didnt have to ask permission, I didnt have
to agree to anything to get it and I love it. It's so wierd
to not be a slave to anything. At times, however, not
having to decide anything was comforting but uncertain
since it meant that I gave power over to another

I just feel sad today. I know I can't go back to where I
was, and I don't ever want to do that again. I'm glad to
have friends, an awesome sponsor and a program. GOd I'm
working on. I know that he's the electricity in my life
and that's amazing since he has given me so much credit in
life when I didnt acknowledge that he was there.

I'm off to a meeting to see an AA legend talk. It should be
fun. As the song says, every day is a brand new start.

sober teacher