What you never knew
2002-04-01 21:45:08 (UTC)


last nite i was talking to matt online and i was expressing
how down i was and just everything about how my dad is
possibly leaving and stuff. well obviously i was really
down but yea i decided to get offline and talk to him on
the phone and it was really strange. i mean, the second he
said hi to me something inside switched on and i became
like i always am and not at all sounding like i felt
inside...dead. he knew that i was feeling down and he said
something to the effect of "damn you put on a good show
here, your a good little faker" cause he knew it was an
act. he tried so hard to get me to drop it but i dont think
even he realizes that i cant just drop it, its automatic
and it just naturally turns on. then suddenly my dad came
in my room and i saw the grim reminder of how he may be
gone and that act was gone and it was the real me. matt
said he liked that better because it was honest, but i dont
like that me because its so down and dead sounding. my dad
wasnt here when i woke up and he still isnt here. i knew
this would happen i just knew it. i want him to come
back..i dont want to go through this again...i cant take it
again..i dont think im strong enough to go thru it. ive
decided that im not going to tell going to
just pretend like my parents are okay now and that he hasnt
left. i dont want him to know the pain that im going thru
right now because if he does then hes going to try to care
for me and be here for me which i probly need..but he
always gets frustraited with me because i wont let him care
as much as he does. and i dont want him to get frustraited
with me. ive been thinking alot lately..i dont know if i
should go out with matt anymore. i mean, i just love him so
much and hes the only person for me but i cant do this to
him anymore, he could do so much better yet he wastes his
time with me. i dunno...i dont want to break up with
him..but if it means making his life easier then i will do
it because i love him and i dont want his life complicated
because of me. i dunno..if ne one reads this gimme some
feedback please...well im out