blairboy

the true confessions of a depressed PuNk
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2002-04-01 18:46:53 (UTC)

ParaNoid PuNk

Hi. My name is Sean. That's my real name but the rest of
the names in my entries are made up.
I've had a bad past few days to inspire me to start an
online journal. Looking for advice, guidance, or just
someone to listen to me. There's a girl I'm really close
with. I'll call her Eve i guess. Short for everything in my
life. Over the past 4 years we've come to be close friends.
She's the most important thing to me right now, my best
friend, and reason for living. I wish i meant so much to
her. We've had our share of disputes and have been dealt
more than enough hard times. Lately I've wondered about our
future. Our feelings of relationships are far from the
same. She doesn't want one. She wants to just live right
now and have fun while she can. While I am a completely
different story. I've never really been in a serious
relationship and I don't think I'd be very good at it. But
nonetheless I'd wanna give it a try. I wouldn't have the
problem with feeling tied down because not many people seem
to be attracted to me. I'm 5' 11" dark eyes and dark hair.
I'm a bassist and singer in a punk rock band. My popularity
level is about average. I'm friends with the geeks, the
motorheads, the stoners, some preps, and the punks. I
wouldn't consider myself totally unattractive so it might
be my standards and maturity level that turn girls off. I'm
mature when i need to be and immature more than needed. I
write poetry and songs for my band to express myself. It's
all I'm really good at. But whatever it is that turns girls
away isn't working for me obviously. Eve is another story.
She's always excepted me until lately. Maybe it's just
because I'm putting pressure on her. I try not to but she's
everything I've ever wanted.
She went out with one of my close friends (Sid) and
after a LONG realtionship they broke up. He totally turned
psycho. He refuses to get out of her life. He still tries
to control her even when they aren't together. I know he
only wants the best for her but he's going at it in the
wrong fashion. He spies on her, starts rumors about her,
and he even read her diary. NOT an online diary. He took
her actual diary and read it. For that I totally lost any
respect I had for him but at the same time I realize he
needs help. Because underneath all the psychological
problems he has the best of intentions.
With Paul out of the way I'm left with 3 figures of
competition. The first which is Eve's best friend Lance. I
have all the respect in the world for him. He's a bit
obsessed but who am i to talk? I can't find a single fault
in the guy except that everything he does revolves around
Eve. If I couldn't have her I'd want him to.
The second figure of competition is Taylor. He's an
absolute dick to Eve. Ignores her no matter what. Talks
about her behind her back and calls her a slut. I don't get
why someone as perfect as her would go for a guy like
Taylor. It's not like he's popular or hot or anything. She
just goes for him cuz he's hard to get i guess. I would
have distanced myself from her and played hard to get
myself but i was already too close to her when i realized
how much i loved her.
The last bit of competition i have comes from another
dick named Brad. He is also obsessed with Eve. Rumor has it
that he and Eve "did something" at a party. I don't
understand why the jerks get the attention. I've always
been there for her and i never get a chance. I don't know
what to do.
It's obvious that Eve attracts alot of guys. Most of the
guys are obsessed with her but I know in my heart that I'm
the only one that is actually in love with her. Maybe
someday she'll realize that. Right now i'm just another guy
to her. I want to be so much more. I want to be HER
EVErything. :(


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