2001-05-20 06:16:27 (UTC)

dress shopping walmart and downtown

i managed to not injure myself today. proud of me? someone
please say yes. i must say it is really hard to type with my
finger wrapped up the way it is.

had my morning wake up call at like 9 am to go dress
shopping for my brides maids dress. got one...yippy agnoy is
over. its strapless and aline and nice but expensive...ill
probably be prostituting myself for real to pay it off.
found out that when my hospital bill comes i can call them
up and arrange a payment plan so that takes some stress over
me. went to the mall did some shopping bought nothing cause
hey im broke. i want these doc marten sandles but like yeaH

went to walmart bought some crap to wrap my finger up in and
then some other crap for my hair and forgot to get drano.
amd i boring you yet?

went downtown dax then rays and well all i have to say is NO

for some reason im like wishing i had a man...not just for
sex. usually im just wishing i had some guy to
fuck...tonight im just wishing that someone would come and
give me chills or something. its so hard to find someone i
have no idea where to being. i know plenty of ways to get
men to sleep with me...but no idea when it comes to how do i
find one i actually like? i have this huge wall up that
keeps me from even getting to know a guy...use em for
sex...use em for sex...use em for something...let them know
there being used...use em for sex...its like a never ending
cycle...i keep telling myself im too independant for a man.
relationships are so dumb so controlling and a
responsibility i dont want...but maybe im just saying all
that cause im terrified of giving myself over to someone and
becoming vunerable...i haven't met any prospects its cause
im not allowing myself to. i feel so stupid sometimes i
convince myself all i need a man for is sex but its nights
like these when well i realize thats all bullshit and its
just me being a scared little girl. terrified of being hurt
again terrified of hurting someone terrified as hell of
falling in love again. i know what my deal is...i just dont
know what to fucking do!!! its all good in the hood cause
tomorrow ill be back to "i need a booty call" syndrome and
ill be back to trolling for skAnk and not giving a fuck.
just lonely nights i guess when you actually want to fall
asleep listening to someones heartbeat *gasp* did that
actually come out of my mouth? do i actually have feelings?
heh i hope not...STRONG LIKE BULL, ya dig? word!

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