The Complete thoughts of Me.
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2001-05-20 05:39:54 (UTC)

The Hills are alive...With me Sucking!

I auditioned for The Sound of Music at Greasepaint
today....I did fine. That's it, Fine. Not wonderfully,
not great, Not perfect Liesl Material singing...just fine.
I want this part so badly, and all I've done all day is
sit....Yup, just sit. Think about what I did, what I could
of done better, and How I'm not going to get a callback
tommorrow. They told me that they would call by 1:00. I've
never not gotten a callback before and there is this deep,
dark pit in the bottom of my stomach that makes me want to
cry because I know that this is going to be my first time.
There are so many advantages to not making it into this
play. More free time. I can go to Texas to visit
Lindsey. I can spend my summer like a summer should be
spent. But no matter how a summer should be spent, I don't
want to spend my summer like that. I want it to be crazy,
busy, even chaotic. But it won't be. Well, I'm still
babysitting at greasepaints summer camps for 6 weeks,'s not the same. If I don't make this show, That's
it. Finito with theatre for 3 months. I can't live like
that. I cannot be offstage for three months. I nearly
killed myself during colorguard season last fall, and yet I
am taking the risk that I am not going be in front of an
audience at all this whole summer. But where would I be if
I didn't take that risk? No better off, I suppose. I
still wouldn't be in front of an audience. I love being in
front of an audience. Bright lights shining upon
me....searching for family and friends, but having to do it
so subtley so they can't tell...just a friendly face in the
audience, but not being able to see anything...The hell of
putting on Costumes and makeup and wigs and going out an
making a total fool of myself. Opening up my inner self to
critics who don't give a damn about my feelings.
Basically, taking a knife, making a slit down my stomach
(or perhaps into my brain), letting my guts fall out and
saying 'Hey! Here's my heart, here's my lifes achievements
and desires, go ahead, criticize them in your newspaper for
all of Scottsdale to see. I don't mind." But you know
what? I don't. Because I know that no matter how much they
criticize me, I have it better off. It's like someone once
said "Critics don't enter the battle, they don't fight the
fight, they don't risk their lives, but when the battle is
over, they go around shooting the wounded." I "Risk my
life" and risking my life has made me such a better
person. So much more open and free with myself and my own
mentality that I am not afraid to enter the battle. I am
both physically and mentally capable to fight the fight and
afterwards, if they want to shoot me, the wounded, That's
fine! It doesn't matter. Because I know I got the good end
of the deal. I got the moment up on stage. I got the
moment in lights. They didn't. And that's the only thing
worth living for in my life....That moment in the lights.

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