The mediocrity that is me
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2002-04-01 08:10:02 (UTC)

You wouldn't care anyway.

I'm sitting here at my computer, and all of a sudden, I
have this crazy urge to just go run to the park and swing
on the swings. But I don't. I sit here in the dark, in
front of the computer, wasting my life away. As usual. I
really need to take some initiative with my life. Get up
and do things. I don't know, maybe I would if I thought it
would make a difference. But it doesn't. Not really.

You know, I'm starting to wonder if I really buy into that
whole "soulmate" kind of idea. On one hand it sounds
so...perfect....to think that there is someone out there
for you. And not many people know this, but I am a hopeless
romantic. Unfortunately, the only person who knows this is
me. And that's how it will probably stay. No, I am NOT
going to get sucked into this. I refuse to complain about
being single. It is such a waste of time. I do kind of
wonder what it would be like to have a relationship or
something though. Anyway, so the idea of marriage and the
proverbial "american dream" (you know, the house with the
picket fence, three cars, two kids, a wonderful husband,
etc.) sounds so nice. But then I sit there and think about
it, and I can't even begin to imagine myself there. I would
feel incredibly fake. I would feel like I bought into all
the crap that I can't stand. So what DO I want? I don't
know. I am like every typical teenager out there; I don't
know what I want. Pathetic beyond all belief.

What WOULD that be like? Marriage, or a serious
relationship, I mean. Sometimes I really wonder. Is it
boring or exciting? And how the hell does anyone decide on
marriage? How could you possibly commit to one person your
entire life? People change all the time; I know I am not
the same person I was last year. Hell, I practically re-
invent myself every damn day. How can there possibly be
only one person out there for you? Don't you ever feel as
if you are more than one person yourself? Sometimes I
wonder when I am the most me...but then there are so many
different "me's." I can be happy me, depressed me, cynical
me, romantic me, introspective me, etc, etc, etc. So how
could there possibly be one person out there who fits all
of those parts of me? When you get married, do you just
choose the person who fits one part of you, and then
totally neglect the other part? Or is there someone who
fits every single part of you and is perfect in every way?
It sounds like I have this completely romanticized idea of
marriage....I don't really. I understand that no one is
perfect and all that jazz. I just have a hard time wrapping
my mind around the idea of one soulmate. It's kind of
depressing, actually, thinking that you can only really
connect with one person. One soulmate. It just sounds so
damn lonely.