jen

Much much better....

Diary,
Things have gotten much better with Tim and I. Some may
think I am pathetic for trying to work things out, but I
know that I should and I know that our relationship that we
have had for this long cannot be wasted from our lack of
communication and misunderstandings and hurtful words at
those times. But we have pretty much talked through it. I
guess that I have been planning our future, which in turn
was kind of scaring him. I understand in some way, but I
don't understand is how he can totally talk about our
future and buying land and building a house and moving in
together like a few months ago and then totally blow that
away and not look into the future. I think what has got him
thinking that way is that he don't want to get in too deep
and get hurt after he comes back, cuz who says I will be
there after 6 or 7 months!? I know I will, but he doesn't
see that. I guess he is right, that we should play it day
by day, but in some way it is right to think about future
plans, cuz why invest so much time and energy on someone
that you have been with for this long and not think about
what will happen and what can and could go on?? ya know? I
don't know. I am confusing myself over that, and also
asking my parents to go to florida! Tim wants me to go with
him in June. I think my parents don't trust me sexually
with him. And by now, you think that they would understand
that we are sexually active, cuz we have been together for
a while and we are so close. I know they see me as their
baby,but they need to understand that I am 18, tim is
leaving, I would like some time away from work and etc, and
I am responsible! they don't quite understand that
sometimes! yes, I am a vulnerable and naive girl, that I
don't stand up for myself quite often, but I am
responsible, I have taken care of things. Sometimes I feel
like they need to let go! But they can't! I don't know? I
feel like I am being treated like I am 14 again, being
questioned again and again, my sister (who's 20) gets away
with murder practically and doesn't get drilled by 50
questions, and me, I get drilled by so many questions! Is
there going to be supervision there? Are you really good
friends with her? blah blah blah! I am sick of it. it is
nice to know they care but no so much nice to get drilled
and drilled like this. I feel so trapped. And tim is
wondering why it is so hard to ask them about florida?
because they will drill me and question me on and on.
Making me feel bad! I feel like I have built up their trust
so much now, that I don't want to break it. But I need to
do things so I can grow, and if making mistakes is what
does it, then those mistakes will just teach me a lesson!
huh??? well, I am gonna go, and contemplate on what I am
gonna do. Ask now? ask later? God I am pathetic... and
scared! bye.