Damsel in Distress

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2002-04-01 03:14:26 (UTC)

ASSHOLISM

i think dad is an asshole. mom and him fight non stop. i
have grown up beyond their years. see...they argue mom
sometimes leaves, but she always crawls back on her hands
and knees to him like a dog. how fuckin degrading is that?
he told her tonight that he can see other women but she
cannot see other men...that is sickening. he told her that
is the way his life is going to be and she better accept it
or he will dump her. i dunno im sick of it.

im sick of every thing my life consists of. i want my life
to be basically full time work and full time school. fuck
everything else. yeah...i would like to ocassionally go out
with a friend or two, but not like this. definately not
like this.

im fed up to my neck in people telling me you have money
you shouldnt be this way. im fuckin sick of it. i have
access to money, but i dont want all their money. doesnt
anyone understand i want to do things on my own? i just
want to be free of this hell hole. its not running
away...its avoiding a complication...getting out before its
over your head. if mom wont help herself and she dies from
it...then its her choice fuck it. yeah there are a few
friends i want to save and keep after i get out of this
hell hole, but im questioning how much they mean to me. a
few mean a lot. so much yeah i would suffer through this
shit. personally, i know i can get out, just needing to do
it soon. im sick of it all. i dont want to be here to watch
my mom being beaten. ive seen that enough times.

i guess i wish someone were here to talk to. it hurts. my
sisters exited the denial stage and are in the hate stage.
i guess abuse goes from the maybe it was a one time thing
stage...which is pretty long...then a that person needs
help stage...then the denial stage...then the hate
stage...then the get out of it all stage. ive went through
the hate stage and the get out of it all stage is the one
im in. see...my mom is still in the denial stage...she
almost stepped into the hate stage...but jumped back in the
denial stage. her first stage lasted like 10 years or so.
im so sick of it. i exited the hate stage just recently. i
exited the hate stage two and a half years ago, and ever
since i have been in the i want out of it all stage. my
sisters just exited the denial stage in the past month or
so. mom is weak. it pisses me off.

i really wish someone were here for me. ive put up a front
in front of my family so long i will never open up to them.
ive put up a front in front of a lot of people when i was
younger. that i cannot ever take back nor would i ever. ive
grown stronger throughout the years, but i am at the point
and have been for years...a lot of years like 5 years i
have wanted to talk about it. i have talked about it, but
mostly with people who were in either the same situation or
people who started talking about relationships and head
games. i could go on forever about the psychology of it
all. i have been out of high school for awhile...i wish i
had someone to talk to. not all wishes come true though.
that wish will not.
-damsel in distress