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2001-05-20 02:12:57 (UTC)

I am trying my hardest

It kinda sucks how I live in fear of myself.... but on a
positive note it may actually be doing something for the
better... I feel that, for the first time in quite a
while, I am getting some sort of structure to my life. I
just got back from a vacation a couple days ago, which was
certainly MUCH needed. I got to see my girly and a lot of
other friends who i haven't seen in some time AND i got
away from my tyrranical (yet at the same time cozy)
household. Its kinda feels like my home town KNOWS that I
am messed up, but vacationing areas away from home don't.
It's probably all in my head, but it works.
So the structure -- I am back at my summer job full time,
I am taking a summer class starting on June 11, I am
keeping in good contact with all my friends now, things at
home are running smoothly... It's all pretty nice to be
back again. BUt there is a problem I kinda foresee -- I go
in to see my psychiatrist on tuesday..... why is that
bad?.... well, I had a blood test done to test 4 different
things which my lithium may affect... it turns out that on
my current dose, my lithium levels are really below where
they would like me to be. This simply means that in all
liklihood my psychiatrist is going to up my dosage 33%
(which is the next tier). That's a pretty scary
thought.... when they PUT me on the medication, emotionally
I was set for it up to the point where I actually had to
START it.... I was a wreck for quite some time. And now,
just as I am rebuilding from the mess that mental and
emotional games have left, emotional games (which easily
lead to mental sometimes) knock on the door of my pathetic
life once again. And if this happens, I don't have the
option of locking the door. damn damn damn damn. But such
is my life -- constantly from succes to shambles. So, like
every night, I wonder what I will wake up like tomorrow.
Lately its been great. But you know, extended periods
of 'good' never seem to overstay their welcome. I wish I
could control this shit.
Well thats what I've got today, I've talked myself into
emotionbal sobriety and really can't even think of much
anymore. I might write later if the thouyghts start back
bis bald...