saggrrl

what next: ramblings of an absolutely c
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2002-03-31 06:32:02 (UTC)

i should be cleaning my house

my house is a mess. but there's nothing i can do about
it. i can't clean, can't organize, can't do anything. the
only thing i *can* do is think. i had some ephianies over
this spring break...

1. i need to stop getting hammered every weekend.
period. its starting to interfere with the friends who
matter to me, therefore its done.

2. god. goddess. the eternal entity. whatever. i need
to find it.

i'm missing something in my life, something alcohol or a
relationship or anything can't replace. i used to be a
singer. now, i'm not. i still am, technically, but i'm
through with that part of my life. now...what? women's
studies? writing? while i am very good at research, my
writing is not special; while i'm quite philosophical, i
cannot take the time to organize my ideas. frustrating, i
know!


L and i had a good conversation last night. he still cares
about me and loves me. he talked to me about drinking.
that made me think. J talked to me about it too. my
mother is concerned. all of this and i'm still an A
student. and a hard worker. and the #1 alto in choir.
and a faculty favorite. i'm one of those people who can't
seem to find any sort of happy medium. (by the way, i
don't think i've used "I" so many times in my writing in
two years!)

this journal will hopefully help me keep my act together.
it will help me clean the house and do my homework and
sleep at night without any aid.

all i can think about is the fact that i graduate next
year. in one year i will make the biggest decision of my
life -- what to do after college. i'm scared, even though
i know what i would like to do. i'm scared to do it
alone. i'm 21, i'm intelligent (trust me, this writing is
certainly not a good example of my school work!!!), and i
can finally admit that i have a great body and am quite
pretty. i also am neuratic, overly emotional (even though
i try to hide it), and incredibly insecure. it's like i
have the emotional mentality of a fourteen year old, with
the intellectual capabilities of a 21 year old college
student who is a "deep thinker." grrr.

i'm lonely and scared.

and my house is not clean.


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