the life of me
2002-03-31 05:37:41 (UTC)

March 17, 2002

i don't think anyone understands how bad it hurts to be
dogged by your sister AND your best friend in the same
weekend?!? i feel like a shit. i wanna crawl into a hole. i
wanna die. i don't know where to go, what to do... i need
russy. only he can plung into this feeling of nothingness
that i banish myself into and bring me out still breathing.
why can't i breathe anymore? why can't i do anything but
cry anymore? who knows what's in my heart? certainly not
me... and i just... i just can't do it anymore. pull all
this weight, bear all this pain. i'm not strong enough. i
need help. someone help me. can't you see i'm dying
inside?!?! don't you see my tattered heart? how could you
not see the sorrow in my eyes?!? it's there... i'm begging
you, pleading you, waiting for you to notice. but you
don't. no one does. i don't know if they ever will. russy's
the only one that ever has. but not unless he's here... and
when he's here... i think my heart drops. i know he's not
mine. but i know he still is. i thought he was that friend
i prayed for. i thought i found the one i wished for when i
was younger. but if i have to hold myself back from him...
then he can't be the one. is that friend still out there
waiting for me?!?!? when will i find them god? i can't wait
much longer. there's gotta be someone, somewhere who can
see my pain and dry my tears before they have cause to
fall. someone... somewhere... i'm waiting, and i'm looking.