Cheskafran

Marie Francesca T. Camus
2002-03-31 05:11:51 (UTC)

My entry on 3/28/02

Since I've arrived I've tried with my best ability to think
positive and know that in time I will slowly heal. In fact
after my down time while I was still in the bay area, I was
beginning to think things were looking up.

I just got out of the shower 10 minutes ago. Actually it
was abuot 30 minutes ago. I've spent the last 20 minutes or
so applying my meds, which are supposed to help my
psoriasis. If I wasn't assujming, I'd say it took more than
20 minutes if you include the number of times I stopped to
just look at my reflection in the mirror with disgust. I've
said it before and I will say it again. I feel so ugly. I
would give so much to be normal again. My friends say it's
not as bad asI say it does. But it does look that bad.
Sometimes I forget what I looked like before I had this
problem. I turned my body so that my back was to the mirror
and my face was twisted so I could see the reflection of my
back, my eyes just fuilled up with tears. I felt every inch
of my body begging for my hands to reach down and scratch
all the itchyness away. But in the back of my mind
somewhere I know that if I do, it will get worse, and as
usual I'd end up bleeding. But the itching was still
spreading, and my eyes were still filling up with tears. I
asked myself so many times why I have this problem. I've
spent a whole day writing letters to people back home,
feeling very positive about my stay here in the
Philippines. But now I'm hestitating to mail these letters
because I feel that my friends would think of me as ...I
dunno. I wrote like 4 different letters today, stating that
I'm doing fine. And now I'm all breaking down, and can
barely seem to control myself.

I thought to myself numerous times, who could ever learn to
love me with my skin condition. Aside from my family. It
hurts to think I could never get married all because of
this psoriasis. You're all probably thinking that I don't
need to worry about that now. But I do. Because I'm stuck
with this for life. There is no cure for this. I'm even
questioning if I can possibly ujndergo an operation to get
rid of this. BLEH! Of all things that have ever happened in
my life, this by far has really affected me. Because it is permanent.
Everything else was just temporary. Why does this happen?

I may have mentioned that my condition has improved since I've
arrived. But it's still there. Funny thing is, I want to cry to my
aunt's or my cousins.... Yet I always end up crying to myself. I've
wanted to so much to call home, but I couldn't. How I wish I can just
be normal again.




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