Whistfully waiting
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2001-05-19 20:05:17 (UTC)

First Entry

Well, im not quite sure where to start. My friend
recomended that i come here with my problems. I guess a
little background information would be good.

I was born and raised near San Francisco, and for
highschool i went to a boarding school in Kent, CT. Last
year (freshman year) i was kicked out for smoking pot,
which i had started smoking only two weeks before being
kicked out. I was let back in after thanksgiving break. I
met this new student, named Erika, who i really liked. i
soon grew to REALLY like her. After about a month of me
beign sweet and romantic she said she would date me. It was
wonderful, she told me that she loved me before i told her
that i love her. The relationship lasted two weeks before
she broke it off. She ended it because she didnt like being
dependant on someone.

For about 5 days i was really mad at her. I mean we loved
each other and she ended it. oh well, i forgave her, and we
actually started back up, kinda...

We were in the stairwell of our dorm (1st floor is girls,
2nd and third is guys) and she kissed me, and so we started
holding each other tight, etc. That kept up for a good week
or so. Then she ended it again. Then she started it again.
It was about a week or two into that, then we went on a
weekend to her mom's appartment in NYC. We had fun.

Ever since that one weekend though, it seems as though it
hurts her to be around me. She says she still loves me, but
i think that she doesnt want to, for some reason it hurts
her to love me. That absoloutely tears me up. It hurts,
that we could be an incredibly happy couple except, she
doesnt want to love me.

Oh forgot to mention, before teh weekend she told me taht
she was going to end it between us over summer, because a
relationship either needs to be moving forward or backward,
she didnt say this, but it was understood, taht she didnt
want it moving forward for the same reason that she ended
our origional relationship.

So now, it seems like it hurts her to talk to me, and she
isnt comfortable around me, because she is afraid of
hurting me, or being hurt by me saying how it will really
suck when she leaves me over summer. She says she still
loves me, and her friends tell me the same when i seek
their advice.

I just dont know what to do. I would do what she wants to
happen and just end it for her, but i cant, i love her so
much, and i dont want to lose her over such a dumb reason.
Ugh, well hope you had fun reading, please help me with any
advice, i probably didnt explain some things clearly so, if
anything seems odd, ask about it first. thanks