the accident
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2002-03-31 00:49:07 (UTC)

well, since i'm here

i have the funniest time and i write songs about it. i
used to think about calling a first album "my makeshift
diary" but decided other than being too close to the truth,
it was also a rubbish title.

i guess i write cause it makes me feel vaugely normal. it
puts the feelings in some sort of context and i don't feel
like it's just in my head, that maybe someone could hear it
and understand just a little bit. like how confused i get
about (yawn) relationships and being alive. it's an outlet.

for seven months i've been pulling myself out of the gutter
and rearranging myself to be a nicer human being. my
family worry about me, my friends worry about me and i
worry about me. the one thing in my life that i want
evades me at every turn. i just want to be happy, but this
is a big thing and not as simple as buying a new t-shirt or
a new cd. it's down to one person in a way but it was
there before her and it's been there since so it would be a
bit unfair to pin it all on this one girl but it's easier
this way.

i'm so tired and so pent up at the same time. i have all
these ideas that i just can't get out and all these
feelings that i don't want to let out. what is wrong with
me? does anyone even care anymore?

i've never had a successful relationship in my life, and
while being 20 is not exactly a milestone, i feel that i
should have had something where i wasn't the guilty party
or the least committed one.

i should have had something better than this.

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