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2002-03-30 23:49:13 (UTC)

charisma.... what torture...

i hate it how everyone looks to me for leadership.. it
sucks.. i don't want to lead anybody.. i have always been a
devout believe in equality and communistic beliefs.. to an
extent.. and i just wish.. my friends.. and my peers.. and
my teachers.. didn't look to me for something i don't want
to have a part in... there are people who get to sit there
in a group situation.. and do nothing.. and i wish i were
one of them.. but my expected personality doesn't allow me
to do so... it's retarded.. i don't understand why.. a few
select people are chosen to bear the load of all those
willing to follow.. and don't get me wrong.. i'm honoured
that people trust me to do decide everything for them.. but
seriously.. half the time.. i don't want to do anything...
and deciding for a majority is hard.. because you want to
please everyone.. even to the extent where your no longer
pleasing yourself... for example.. many things i like to
take part in... are partially illegal.. and so.. i think
that if i suggest those kind of activities with my current
friends they will turn it down.. thus wasting time.. which
is retarded.. and so we always resort to watching movies..
which i could do just as well at home... sitting on the
couch... i mean.. geeze.. getting together with friends is
supposed to enable more active activities.. but.. it
doesn't.. not with us anyway.. it's just.. a bear for me to
load by myself.. and everyone get's to go home happy that
they did something for the day.. and i get to go home and
say.. wow.. what a waste of time... i shouldn't have even
left the house.. i mean.. FUCK!!! it's stupid.. it really
is... being a leader sucks.. i don't understand how people
like hitler... or JFK... or FDR or Stalin.. or lenin.. or
chretien.. or clinton.. or mussolini.. or anyone handle
it.. i mean.. geeze.. it's huge responsibility.. and i
sympathize with their difficult choices.. cause i mean..
their running a country.. i'm running a group of about 30
friends... it's nothing in comparison.. and look at the
difficulty i'm having...

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