2002-03-30 16:36:30 (UTC)


Have you experienced the feeling of emptiness?
Would you know it if it was there? This is a feeling that
comes and goes as it pleases. Right now, I feel completely
empty. I feel like there is nothing in my heart. My soul
feels so dead. There isn't any substance in my heart. I've
gotten so use to pushing everything that might be important
to me out of my life. I don't even enjoy writing anymore.
My heart just rejects everything. I don't feel like I can
care about anything. When I feel that I may be able to, the
recieving end isn't mutual. So why set myself up? It's not
even worth it. I would like to have a relationship with a
lot of people, but why set myself up? People hurt you.
People are selfish and only think about themselves. I don't
think I can stand being hurt by another person. It's
already caused too much damage.

I don't feel that I can have a relationship with
my father because I don't want lies all the time. This
whole "coming back into your life" thing is old. I've seen
this before and I refuse to be taken through it again. It's
not fair to me. Don't you think enough damage has been
caused? Do you realize that my perspective on a lot of
things are going to be messed up? See, that doesn't hurt
you in the long run, it hurts me.

I feel like a complete idiot wanting a
relationship from Leroy. He definitely doesn't deserve it.
Despite that though, I just feel like he's my answer. I
don't want him as my man/boy or anything. I just feel that
he is the one who has my heart, but doesn't really have me-
mentally. He's a reason why I don't give anything. The
feeling of having someone not care in reture is awful. It
hurts like hell. I say let things happen when they happen,
but I don't think I want a brokenheart to happen...again.
So, when I push....I have my reasons behind it.

I really wish I knew what to do about Dee and
Jacan. I feel like my ass-kissing days are over. I would
really like to think that I can hold my own. Actually, I
know I can, but it's hard to let go of something that you
never thought would end. I guess at the beginning it was
something new, and when time went on, it became something
of comfort. Now, it feels like nothing. Maybe I'm being
stubborn, but I don't know what to say to them. I care
about them the same, but I'm running out of things to say.
I'm use to scenerios like this but I would have never
thought that it would have happened with them.

I don't feel like I have grasp to anything. Other
than school and future educational plans, I'm bored. I feel
like I'm slowly becoming an intravert. I'm keeping a lot to
myself. I don't feel I can trust anyone. I know this
feeling is terrible, but how would you cure it? I just feel
like nothing is stable. People that I've met along the way
aren't stable. I can't say that since I've been here I have
one person that is still by my side. I may have pushed
people away, and maybe some are still there....I just don't
allow them to be. I feel I have nothing. I'm not seeking
love. I just want the feeling of knowing that I can call up
someone up, other than the Lord, and talk. It's something
so many people take for granted, but I wish I had that. I
would like to be the one talking for once. Maybe my
problems seem small, but I still need to vent them. I don't
feel like I'm asking too much. I just feel lost.

W/ love and peace,

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