cosmic ski slopes
2001-05-19 16:35:16 (UTC)

Conversation: pars secundi

The situation got worse yesterday morning. My mo decided
she wanted to talk to me so she tricked me into getting a
ride from her into school, instead of taking the bus. So
the whole twenty minutes to school, at 7 in the morning, I
sat bawling my eyes out as she told me I make her feel like
an "ass hole" for telling my best friend (Sara) before
telling my own mother. She doesn't understand it. I wish I
could tell her the whole truth; that SHE'S the reason I
have panic attacks and have been depressed. That just being
around her makes me want to kill myself more than anything
I can think of- more than a broken heart, more than a
fight, more then seeing my father drink (something that
I've never dealt well with...). I just wish I could scream
to her someday that I never want to speak to her again or
see her again because my life is better without her. But
that won't happen. I don't have the guts. And so, when she
finds out I want to die, she automatically thinks of
herself and feels like an 'ass hole'. She doesn't
understand it... Well I don't understand her.

Last night, Noble's Boys' Track and Field Team had a
tournament. It was at a neighboring school and we lost, we
always do but we have fun with it so it doesn't matter...
How do I know about the Boys' Track Team? I'm the manager,
I do the paperwork, scoring at meets, and timnig stuff for
the coaches... But anyway; We had a blast. I called Nick
from the school (Masabesic) and asked if he wanted to come
down and hang out with us for the night, but he had swim
practice so he couldn't make it. I miss him a lot. We've
spoken once (last night on the phone) and talked once
online since prom last weekend. I haven't seen him at all
though. I hate that I miss him. I'm a natural cynic and
being sappy like this doesn't agree with me. But I can't
help it. There's something about him, no matter how unhappy
I am or how bad my day is going, the second I hear from him
I gain an unescapable grin...

We're supposed to go out tomorrow, but I haven't heard from
him to finish planning yet. I hope I hear from him soon.