lester

connected meanderings
2002-03-30 11:25:34 (UTC)

name change

I am wondering about changing my identity here: from
chaosman to Lester. Yesterday I changed the name of my
diary from writer to "meandering with others" though I'm
not so sure of the others. People are developing rapidly
and quickly lose interest in me so that relations here are
evanescent. But I'll let those with whom I regularly
correspond know of the change.

It may also coincide with a greater sense that I am an
artist and though I went a professionally focused route in
my life so far, I may have felt forced there so that my
enthusiasm for that kind of writing and action reduces,
making me less effective of course. But the difficult
circumstances of my parents' youth meant that they saw the
professional route as the only one and pushed me that way.
Not that I haven't had a good career and am well known
interntationally (will go to Japan and Australia this fall,
as well as New York twice and Philadelphia once before
then), but my heart as they say, isn't in it.

So I believe that I've been chaosman because that hasn't
been decided. Seeing my brother has made a big difference.
He took his time when young deciding what to do. His grades
weren't as good as mine so he went a less prestigious
route, and then had a very steady though unspectacular
career. But he is very happy in his and I feel that I want
out.

I sent a poem by Carl Sandburg to one person who is steady
as a rock in my diary-connections but I believe my memory
played me wrong. I thought of the more accurate version in
the night. I'm here trying again (she reads these notes and
comments on them).

The Fog

The fog comes
on little cat feet
It sits looking
over harbour and city
and then moves on.

That's all for now folks.

Love, Lester




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