Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2002-03-30 07:48:28 (UTC)

Strange Dream

I am happy right now. There is no reason I should be having
strange dreams.

Last night I had a dream with Dave in it. It wasn't just
some dream where he shows up. I had one of those a week
ago. I had a dream where everyone was at this couples
thing. We were waiting around and Dave was on the phone.
He was calling this girl Shannon that he'd been "dating."
She blew him off and I was all ready to kick her ass!
That's when I woke up.

It turned out that Shannon really was stupid. She wasn
immature and blew up at him for not calling her back two
weeks ago. My dream was brought on by something he'd said
in John's kitchen.

Ok, last night I had a dream that Dave and I were cheating
on John. We didn't do anything within the span of the
dream, but we sure talked about it a lot. He was at were I
guess I worked and we were making date plans and stuff. We
even discussed what to do if John found out. It was so
messed up! I could never really do that!

So, today I tell my friend Cal and she says jokingly that it
could be my subconcise (sp?). I laughed it off with her and
said NO WAY, but what if she's right. I mean I do admit
that I like him on a friend level and I do worry about him.
I can't right now, this second, imagine anything more with him.

Tonight Dave is out on a date. He left a couple hours ago.
I hope he has a wonderful time!

I was sending him mp3s earlier. It's great to have a friend
who really shares my taste in music. I found a new amazing
song by Linkin Park. It's called My December.

My December

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I
Take back all the things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

The song is so beautiful. I listened to it a bunch of times
in a row.

I also found a quote.

"You can never find yourself until you face the truth."
-Pearl Bailey

It has really helped me start to get over things. I guess
the real prroblem is that I have trouble facing the truth.
In my head I know that my Great Aunt is gone, but my heart
won't accept it. My heart refuses to believe the truth.

The truth it believes is a false. It's a lie! Lies, all
lies! I believe lies. The lies I tell myself.

What I remember is staying at my Grandmother's house alone
one summer for a week. Grandma had moved into the old folks
apartment complex. She was so worried that I would be
scared at night. When I got into town I went to visit my
Aunt. She greeted me with the same open arms as always.

That night I wasn't scared. I could feel my Uncle David in
the house. He was watching over me like all the other times
I stay there. He got me through the night. I think that
was the first time I slept in that bed alone. I didn't ever
plan on having to do that. I never thought I would stay
there without my Grandma by my side.

I went to my Aunts house and she gave me lemon wafers and
coke. She was so proud of those lemon wafers. I look in
every supermarket, but they're never there. I guess Little
Debbie doesn't make them anymore.

She fed me so many of those wafers. I wish I could go back
in time and eat tons of those.

I remember the last time I saw her. She was so happy. I
hugged her and I walked away. I walked away! I walked away
from her and she died. I would never get to see her again!
NEVER! I miss her. I cry a lot.

The other night I went to bed at 4am and cried for the
longest time. I was thinking about the one year anniversary
of her death. It's coming up soon. I don't know if I can
take it. I'll be back there again. I'll be at my Grandma's
house with my family.

It's going to be so hard. I don't know what I'll do. How
will I react? Will I cry all night? Will I freak out?
Will I do something crazy? Will I try to jump in the lake
and drown? I don't know what's wrong and why I can't face
the truth.

Only time will tell. They say time heals all wounds. Time
just isn't fast enough for me. I'm off to think now, off to
cry again. The tears, they come too often now. They hit me
when I want to be strong. Maybe one day I will hit them


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