Blue Castle reverie

My Saga
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2002-03-30 06:38:38 (UTC)

Angsty nostalgia

I couldn't go to bed on that note. Because that was really
depressed and angsty, and that's not me. I just don't feel
really good. And that happens sometimes. I'm not sure
what's the matter with me right now, but it wasn't a
horrible day or anything... I just feel like I'm missing
out on something, and I'm not even really sure what it is.
Too much time to think, I guess... this is what happens
when you give me free time. But, supposedly, I'm poised on
some huge threshold, the kind you can't slip back through
for a vacation, and I don't feel it at all. Everything is
just the same as it's always been... I spend too much time
wishing I didn't spend too much time worrying about what
people think, and trying to figure out who I am. And maybe
that's just it. My life is not drastically different than
it was when I was 7, most of the changes coming so
gradually that I didn't even notice them... and the few big
ones, well, I didn't exactly cope well. And now I'm about
to graduate from high school. Well, what the fuck is that
actually supposed to mean? And I have no idea. And that
scares me. I don't deal well with change. When we moved
here, I cried for three weeks, and wouldn't call this
house "home" for 3 years. It's not that I like high school
so much; it's vacuous and hypocritical and nothing like the
real world, but it's been my world for 4 years, and despite
the fact that it still has an uncanny way of making me feel
awkward and insignificant, I've also had some great
experiences. And maybe my world hasn't changed, but I
have, and I'm so different than I was 4 years ago, I've
grown up at least a little, and high school can't hold me
anymore, but at the same time, I'm still a little girl, and
I'm so fucking lost. I have no idea how I'm supposed to
deal with this, what I'm supposed to do; it's a really big
change, and I'm not exactly equipped to cope with those.
I'm excited about going to college, I'm finally about to
graduate, and I'm excited. I'm happy. And I'm also
getting incredibly nostalgic, because whatever it is that I
have now, good, bad, or indifferent, I'll never have it
again, and I also feel that there are so many things that
I've missed out on, and I'm not quite sure how they slipped
by, but there are all these things that I didn't do, or
experiences that I've missed, and now I'm wondering what it
is that I've actually done with my life. And what it is
that I'm going to do. I have no idea, at all,
whatsoever... and it's even hard for me to think about,
because it's something out of the realm of my safe little
world, so it's still a hazy, far-off non-entity. And I
know things are going to change, but really and truly, I
can't even begin to fathom how. And it doesn't even really
scare me, because it's so abstract for me. But what I have
now is real, and it really is going away, and that's about
all that's getting through to me at all right now. And
that is making me sad. Next year my friends will be all
over the country, and a lot of them I'll never see again,
and it makes me wonder why I've spent so much time nuturing
relationships, when it all seems kinda futile now.

I guess I'm just confused. And this really wasn't what i
sat down to write. I guess I just needed to, even though I
went around in a lot of circles, and contradicted myself at
least a dozen times, and jumped from topic to topic
incoherently... it's what I was feeling, or as near as I
can get, and as much as I'm thinking about not posting this
because it's ridiculous and sappy, it's part of who I am,
and what I'm going through right now. I didn't really actually get
into any of the things I brought up, and I rambled a lot, but
whatever this was, maybe it helped, i feel worse, but it's the kind
of worse that leads to feeling a lot better.

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