Meshed Up
2002-03-29 05:01:36 (UTC)


it bloody irritates me how some people underestimate me. i
am not that stupid dammit. just because i don't speak
french doesn't mean i don't know how good french should
sound like. i took french lessons for a few weeks and
talked to french people dammit! so irritating.

all this talk about beautiful people is getting on my
nerves once again. why the hell should i feel this way
anyway? just because i look like an ugly piece of shit
doesn't mean i should care that other people are beautiful.

besides who else am i but me? boring li'l ol' me...

and i hate it that i'm seen as stupid. or maybe i am
stupid! just because i don't meet with other people's
wavelengths doesn't mean i'm a bloody dumbass.

i don't have to put up with this shit.

just to vent. i asked somebody one time if i am ugly and he
said i'm not. he even said that i was beautiful! but i am
so sure that he was just bullshitting me! i mean, would you
tell somebody to their face that they were ugly?!

i have better things to do with my time than to think of
this stupid crap. but why oh why am i
plagued..haunted...and mocked by this insecurity.. this
feeling of loss... i don't know who i bloody am!

i get good grades but that doesn't mean i'm intelligent. or
i'm smart. or i'm wise. some people say i am.. others see
me as a bloody bimbo! well i'm fucking not!

but perhaps i am! perhaps i am a fucking bimbo!

i'm going to get a friggin beer belly soon if i keep
thinking like this. this thing -- this monster -- is
bloody destroying me. i am not living up to my own

why should i measure up to what the world thinks of me
anyway? i should measure up to what I think of myself. but
i bloody think of myself the same way that the world thinks
of me so i'm stuck in this glass box for all of my life!

sometimes i wish i was just a mental patient. 'normal'
people pity them and would want to take them out of the
mental institution. but how do you know that these patients
are not happy in the mental institution? they have their
own bloody world! let them be!! LET ME BE!

i don't know if i will attain true happiness one time. but
i will!! I WILL!