~*SwtKiwi16*~

*~* Lex's DiDi *~*
2002-03-29 04:42:17 (UTC)

Pops

I'm 16 years old and it just hit me hard when I realized
that I don't know my real father. It never occured to me
that I would ever want to get to know him but when you live
in a family with step brothers and sisters that look
nothing like you, you tend to feel like the odd one out,
kinda like an adopted child. My younger step sisters have
blonde hair and blue eyes, I on the other hand have brown
hair brown eyes, and that's why I tend to feel the odd one
out of the family.

I was told when I was 7 years old by my step dad that he
wasn't my real father. I didn't think nothing of it becuase
I was young, but now that I think of it, if I was in that
place now I know that I would of cried or atleast done
something. What made me mad was that my mother couldn't
tell me that I had a another father, and I guess that I
just had wanted her to tell me.

I've always wanted to call that 1-800-US-SEARCH hotline to
find my real father but I'm too afraid of rejection or
worse start something horrible between my mom and him.

My mother told me that whole reason that they had split up
but it never stops me from wanting to just talk to him. I
think about it every day, that I could have a whole another
family that I don't know about.

I want to call him and be like hey it's your daughter, but
I'm scared that he might reject me or forget who I am, or
worse what if he wanted to get custody of me now that he
knew where I was. I just had to many things fighting back
what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to know more about.

Also what holds me back from trying to know more about him
rather then the crummy old picture that I have of him, is
that my mother says that he's a jerk and that I shouldn't
have anything to do with him, but I still don't think
that , that's a good reason as to why I shouldn't be able
to atleast just talk to the guy.

I guess that I'll grow up never knowing what my real father
looks like and what he sounds like, I guess that people
can't always get what they want even though this is
something that I want to do, but I'm just too afraid.

I just feel that everyone should be able to talk to their
father, unless they are like seriously insane or something,
but I've never met him and that fact that I only have a
picture of him just isn't enough for me and I just want to
meet him someday, if I had the chance.


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