shifting mists
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2002-03-28 06:08:01 (UTC)

run ...

''the urgency to go
better to run
luck is with me
traveling with speed''

... that's what i want to do ... i want to run .. escape ....
leave ... disappear .... ~closing my eyes and taking a deep
breath~ ... that's the instinct ... always has been ... when things
fall apart .. when the stress becomes to high ... the mood too
low ... the misery too dark .. the fear too bright ....

''to this world i'm unimportant
just because i have nothing to give,
so you call this a free country?
tell me why it cost so much to live.
tell me why..''

.... just pack up the pet and hop in the car and start driving ....
don't look back .. just go .... swallowing ... i can't do that this
time ... i can't just drop it all and head for the hills and
disappear ... letting the issues resolve themselves as i move on ...
coming back weeks, months, or even years later to find that,
eventually, everything resolves itself if given enough time and
distance ....

''i want to drive
i need a ride
i cannot make sense''

... but this time i can't .... i can't run .... for the first time
ever there is someone in my life that is too important to me to
discard and that i can't take with me .... Jeremy is too important to
leave behind .... i can't .. and i won't ...

''all my work and endless measures
never seem to get me very far.
walk a mile just to move an inch
even though i'm trying so damn hard.
i'm trying so hard.''

... i've never had an anchor before ... i don't know how to weather
the storm .... never did .... i've always escaped .... as a child,
into my mind ... into books ... and as i aged .. into the
woods .. .... thoughts of death beginning in my early teens .. the
first attempt to take that trip at fifteen ... but still i aged ...
escaping still .. . into the mountains ... to different homes ...
different communities ... more and more distant states .... the
distances growing further and further with each year that passed ....

''she falls apart by herself
no one's there to talk or understand
feels the sting, dries her eyes
finds herself, opens the door and sighs''

and ... i want to do it again .... i want to run .... mind turning
this time to even further ... thoughts of plane tickets and
innocuous, inconspicuous places ... even going so far as to have
researched ticketing prices ....

''i'm tangled and broken
left scattered on the floor
it's useless now
these pieces they
can never make me whole''

... but i can't ... and i won't .... because for the first time in my
life i have someone who i can't abandon ... who i can't leave
behind ... who i can't take with me ....

''this is where it falls apart
i'm finding it so hard to hold on
this is where it falls apart
this is where it falls apart on me
i'm finding it so hard''

.. i don't know what to do .... i only know what not to do ....

and i'm scared ..

''this world can't bring me down cause i'm already here.''

Lyrics courtesy of Franka Potente, 3 Doors Down, Sugar Ray, and
Stabbing Westward.

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