Amnesia

dude
Ad 2:
2002-03-28 04:00:28 (UTC)

Did I overdose on some drugs or something?

I don't know Dudes, did I overdose on some drugs or
something? I mean really. I heard of some reall bizzare
sideffects from drugs. Such as, if you quit after you were
abusing the drug, and you walk by the aisle where they sell
it in the store, you're gonna wanna throw up hardcore. I
don't get that. But there are other drugs with other
sideffects. I don't know which ones but I've heard of
sideffects such as, extreme depression, which what I think
my bro Arthur has a slight case of. I think I'm getting
that too. I don't know why. Is it my chemical imbalance
acting up, or a drug? I seriously don't know. That one time
with Kayne got me thinking a little. I thought I was just
trying to realize what's real in my life. Now I don't know
what sprung this on me.

Now, my best friend and I were talking on the phone. Well
actually, it was her, Andrew, Mark, and Vicky. People have
different voices over in Cali land. Mark has the kind of
voice I've never heard from a guy. It seems sensitive. Like
you wanna listen to it. It was a nice surprise when Teresa
put him right on. Mark on the other hand has a deep voice.
He sounds like this guy that went to Lane and graduated. He
used to hang with my bro's and lives about 4 houses away
from me. Vicky reminds me of this Aneta chick from improv
way back when. But the point is that they seemed to be
having so much fun. I don't remember the last time Teresa
was so happy. I seriously couldn't remember if she ever
was. I tried to remember when was the last time I was. I
don't think I ever was. And most definately not with a male
company. How does she do it?

I felt depressed soon after I got off the phone because of
that. What's up with me? I used to be fun, what happened to
me? Now it's all seriousness and worries. And I think I
know what caused it. Teresa left. I really do have now one
now. It's hopeless. Do you know when was the last time I
partied? The last time that I made a joke just cause. Not
trying to be funny by accomplishing it. Or the last time I
felt I could breathe normally? I seriously can't remember.
I don't know if I ever could.

I wanna go to Callifornia. I don't care what Teresa sais.
Maybe she doesn't know what it's like. I always thought
that she has it worse then me in almost every way.
Especially when it comes to parents. But I wonder, has she
ever felt that her surrounding is suffocating her? I have.
I mean, my parents always complained that she has a manor
of being loud whenever she came over. It was just cause
she's used to being human I guess. I'm not. I tiptoe
everywhere out of habit. I can't help it. Loud music
aggrivates me, cause besides parties I never hear it, and
parties are rarer then gold for me. I guess my real point
is that I envy everyone who can put a glass down on the
table and make a suitably normal sound with it. Not as
though it were a spoon full of water. I need a break. I
wanna go there for spring break. I just wanna breathe. I
don't know if I can hold my personality in any longer.
Everytime I try to leave my mom asks me, why do you wanna
go, why don't you wanna study? Look at Elizabeth, she
always studies and she's not compaining. So I tell her,
yeah she is complaining. But she doesn't have a need to
party like I do. She atleast has a sister to talk to, a
best friend in the city, keeps in touch with friends from
her grade school, and has a bunch of friends in school.
Besides, I'm me. Not her. I don't wanna be her. (I wouldn't
mind the grades though.) But it's not me. I gotta find out
who I am. Seems as though there is an age minimum for that
and I'm fucking pissed at that. How can I begin a life with
what I've learned. If you take away the I from that
sentence. I still don't know who I am. I got depressed when
my friend started leaving for Cali and it never left. I
guess I just block it. But it never really left. Maybe it
never will. ((I feel like ctying again. I am crying again.
I'm trying to hide it cause my mom is here, and if I
display any emotion they'll ask why. Whatever it is. But
they wouldn't understand anyway.))

I wanna go to cali. Have some fun. See what all the fuss is
about.

Again, I don't wanna do scrap. Just like yesterday. But
since my French is due tomorrow, my teacher doesn't let us
do it in class even a bit, and I won't have time to do it
earlier, I did that right away. I REALLY REALLY REALLY
didn't wanna do anything else. I started with something fun
first. I drew a picture of a person and the kind of hair
I'd want for my senior picture. Then as usual I had to do a
body. It came out totally how I do my fashion design
sketches. I put it in my Dude book and wrote a little about
it on the next page. I wish I had some more pictures,
poems, or atleast some fun memories to put in there. It
seams as though that's all I have now.

Solitarity has become my life now. I strive to achieve the
best that is in me, but somehow I cannot accomplish it
without being balanced out. I can't get balanced. There is
no joy in my life, and I just realized today that
everything about me has become more serious. I always
wanted that cause I once read in my horoscope that I'll be
wise, serious, and patient. BUT, not until I fully bloom. I
always wanted to. I fear it now since seems like it is
realeasing the wild part of me, and it's just remaining a
distant memory, or some dream never to be accomplished, or
I don't know. I do this every time now. I can't seem to
understand myself. I just go on with pointless things on
and on. I just lost myself now. I was suppose to make a
point. How sad.

Bye


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