Lenore the fool

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2002-03-28 01:33:49 (UTC)

It's been a while

It's been a while since my last entry. A lot of things have
happened. I did the play and it is over. I've felt my heart
break. I've seen old friends. But recently I've been having
these waves of saddness and depression. I don't know why I
do...They vary in lengths and when I'm feeling them I
basically don't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I
just feel so stupid most of the time, like that i'm an idiot.
It's okay if you are stupid about life and you don't know
it...but i'm not that stupid yet. I wish i was that
oblivious, but know i have to know what's going on and how it
effects other people's feelings. My mother tells me that I'm
more mature than most of my friends and that is part of the
problem...the sad thing is she's right. At least about my
friends at school. My only friend who that doesn't relate to
at St. Mary's is Miranda. I love her she is so sweet, she
makes me feel so special so important like i make a
difference and if i wasn't there i'd be missed. She is wise
beyond her years the only thing is relationship wise she
hasn't been that out there and and can't help with those
problems but she listens. Oh the glory of having someone to
listen to me. She actually enjoys hearing about my stupid
problems and doesn't hold them against me. See I also gets
these senses of bliss and warm happy felings that over come
me...but they don't last and after they pass i feel even more
depressed. I think there might be something wrong with me.
At this point death would be bliss to me. I have no future
to look forward to. I want to skip this next stage of life
and be in a career i love be married and be thinking about
children. I want to have fun. But there are all these
people in the way including myself. That's the other thing
that's been happenng acceptneces have been coming around,
however i haven't really recieved those i've been declined by
several schools one i thought i had a pretty good chance of
getting into and i didn't and when i applied i didn't want to
go there but my parents said be open to i so i did and i
loved the campus...so once again i've gotten broken by
leaving myself out there.
Everyday I am rejected. In one way or another I'm not
wanted. That's my greatest fear Mr. Sphon not the fear of
being alone...but the fear of no one wanting me, of being
undesirable. I don't know why I care so much. but that's
the thing that keeps me up at night the thing that haunts me
and lurks in the back of my mind. I'm just not good enough
in any standards. I'm not the best at anything. That's why
I'll never find my true love. Because the people I want to
be with are too good for me. But I'd like to thank a special
person for making me realize that I can still love and that I
do feel love. But you'll never know I feel that way about
you. I can't let you know. It'll prolly hurt you and confuse
you plus millions of girls like you and i'm not nearly as
perfect and as beautiful, nice, funny and charming as any of
them are. Anything I have to offer you there's some one else
who likes you who is better at it or has more. But I do love
you and you've unwittingly allowed me to fall in love with
you. You just say all the right things right when I need
them, but it dooesn't sound like you planned it out that way.
You are just so sweet and you make me laugh. And you just
make me forget myself loathing when I'm with you. I can't
get mad at you when I start to you say some thing that makes
me smile and I see you again.
See i get so happy then I realize how stupid and
pathetic I sound and then I slip out of it and
become...benigne. And just get wayed down with myself. But
at least I know I can be happy.

~Lenore*


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