cosmic ski slopes
2001-05-18 16:16:32 (UTC)


I read once that a true conversation can change your
life. I think I may have had my first true conversation last
night. The past few years of my life can be very simply
characterised and coded: HELL. Since 8th grade (I'm
now in 11th), I've been suicidal. Very prone to panic
attacks and depression. It's not like I even have
anythign to be depressed about- normal family, normal
friends, good grades... the works. Well, last night I told
my mother. It was worse HELL then the last three years
put together... I wish I could take it back, but now I can't
and in two weeks I'm going to be put on pills that make
me incpable of feeling sadness or anger and I'll bve
another veggie like my brother. God I don't wanna be
like that. I'm too individuale for it, too unconvetional. Yet
soon, June 1st to be exact, I will be it. I'll be a zombie
who can't decide how to feel... the pills will tell me.

Above all else, I don't want Nick to find out. My teachers
know, my friends know, my family knows now too. But
Nick can't find out. When I'm with him, or even just
reading an email from him, I don't need pills to feel
good. I just need him... I g2g... The computer's gonna
be shut down soon. I'll WmL.

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