Nick's Journal
2002-03-27 05:13:07 (UTC)

Life (part 3)

College. Fucking College. College fucking rules.
Here you are. YOU the kids who ran through the creek
behind your house with your best friends and fought
imaginary monsters with sticks. YOU who hated yourself
and those that hated you. YOU who apparently did
everything wrong, yet everything right. you made it
through criticism, love, hate, and whatever the fuck else
there is. One one side you hate college.
responsibility? i want beer! i want to go back in my
back yard and lie in the grass and stare at the sky, i
don't want a midterm fucking me in the ass. i want to sit
on the sun-soaked pavement and run my hand through my dogs
warm fur. i want to get high, drunk, and have college at
home. i want the marijuana, ecstacy, lsd, cocaine,
heroin, alcohol, and liberation at home. but.....if you
think drugs and alcohol are college then you've fucked
yourself. those that glorify drugs as the reason for
college are pathetic.
college is moderation. college is alcohol and whatever
YOU decide to do. it's not the above. so don't fucking
disillusion yourself. you wont' get away with drugs just
because you're in college. you'll get fucked. but that
doesn't mean you any worse than the rest. COLLEGE IS NOT
EVERYTHING. it rocks beyond your wildest dreams, but it's
not THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. the time of your life IS your
life. if you don't make it, do what you can and you'll be
College is an upgrade. Middle School and High School can
eat a fat dick. everyone's all fucking nice. flowers are
showered from the heavens and everyone accepts you. well
sorta....but a lot more than before. you make new friends
(and keep the true old ones) and you are now in hog heaven.
the friends you make here are not only mind-boggling (you
constantly think...i'd never have been friends wiht
him/her in high school) but they're strong. because
you're close to the real world. you know everything. you
know that the condom goes on your dick and not somewhere
else. you know to use anti-perspirant....well most do,
and you realize that changing your boxers is a daily
affair not a weekly one. the laundry sucks and the food
turns your bowels into the korean war, but it's worth it.
you think you had freedom with a car? shit.
you can do anything now. you are yourself. your life is
yours. and now will you fuck it up or get it together?
will you fuck it up and get it BACK together.
now is the first time you realize that whole "senior prom
is the best time of your life" is bullshit.
bullllllshit. you have so much fun, and you can't imagine
that you thought that standing in a hot crowded room
dressed like a penguin with a comatose partner clinging to
your arm could never be the best time of your life.
the best time of your life is NOW.
you meet someone you love. or maybe not. the two of you
know each other and it's your own world. you have your
guy friends and bottom line is that they're so much better
than anybody else. your groupd is your group and fuck the
rest. you're not bad for it, you're just crazy, stupid,
and whatnot. you drink. get in trouble. vandalize.
throw up. annoy people. get into fights. get kicked out.
do things that you would never do later in your life just
so that you can look back at the pictures and think, dear
fucking god why did i do that? and then.......damn it was
pretty fucking sweet. you look at pictures of you and
your friends smiling for the camera. standing erect.
drinking "responsibly". you realize these are the
portraits your children see. and if they could only make
those pictures move they'd see the shit you did and you'd
never be able to reprimand them. But that doesn't stop you
from drinking that beer or smoking that joint, because you
think to yourself......if not now......will i do it later?
you ask yourself......will i run naked through a girls
dorm when i'm 50? maybe. but why not do it now?
so your "child" years come to an end in a haze of smoke,
dizzyiness, confidence, and euphoria. they come to an end
in the sands of a volleyball court, warm grass, loud
voices, and security. you're now you.
you move onto the "real world" as if you hadn't been there
all along anyhow. everyone tries to scare you. "you'll
amount to shit" "it's not so easy" "you'll go nowhere".
but that's not true. these are the same people that
didn't think you'd make it through college. fuck them.
you labor over newspapers.
shit you finally find one. and maybe the person you've
loved through college is with you. you hit peaks and deep
abysses. maybe you get a baby, shit maybe you get 10.
you hear a song from your high school, college years and
rejoice. you now realize you're THAT guy that you hated
when you were younger. you want nothing more than to tell
some youngster how you and some of your friends did
something insane. but in the end you realize your life is
fine the way it is. you trade sex and lust, for love and
familiarity. you look into your wife's eyes and it's not
your penis thats jumping up and down but your heart. you
soon have a grown child and you want nothing more than for
them to love you. they do the same shit you did to your
parents and you can't understand. you fall into a midlife
crisis and do something stupid, but hopefully you overcome
it. pretty soon you bitch about prices, people, and the
old days (if you haven't been doing it already). you're on
a porch and out of the rat race.
oddly enough you long to do what you couldnt' stand.
work. you don't want to feel sooooo, soooo
insignificant. but you're not. you're just the way you
were in college, high school, middle school, and so on.
if you realize this you can enjoy the rest of your life.
get wasted. shit get so shit faced that you'd put any
college student to shame.
at at mcdonald's and taco bell, because let's face
it.....if you've made it this far, you'll make it a lot
longer if you just don't give a fuck. you wind your life
down, you trade walking around everywhere to sitting on
your ass and your life has been such a ride you're glad to
sit on your ass and be bored with a glass of gin in one
hand and your grandchild in the other. you gaze with
pride upon your kin and tell him all the crazy ass stories
of your life.
when you finally go hopefully you can leave thinking that
God had better make heaven extra sweet to top what you
just sum up in one word.
..........yeah so if i'm not too wasted or stoned or
wasted and stoned, or puking, or sleeping, or whatnot, i'd
say something along those lines.....

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