The thoughts that keep me awake
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2001-05-18 09:03:38 (UTC)

The Cell Phone

Me and Kenny had a quarrel earlier today. And once again,
I'm not able to go to sleep.

I always ask him why he's with me. Always assuming he may
say the wrong thing, enough to make me mad so it'll be
easier for me to leave him.

I'm not happy.

I really couldn't tell you why I am with him.


The fight was about some chick that kept calling the cell
phone. I always have stressed the fact that I hate not
knowing a "female" friend of his, and feel very
uncomfortable about this stranger. I don't think he
understood exactly how horrible I felt about situations
like this, until it took a big "dramatical" presentation of
my feelings.

What makes me unhappy is the fact that a girl is calling
him and I don't know who she is.

What "supposedly" makes him happy is her friendship - this
is what he brought up.

I feel that if Kenny really "cared" about what makes me
happy and what makes me sad, he would try not to upset me
about this situation. I had to really explain this one
because apparently, Kenny doesn't know what I expect and
It's like he doesn't care if things get better between us.

I guess he values this girl's friendship very deeply
because he could care less about how I feel about this
person. Yes, I don't know her. I don't really care about
getting to know her. However, if Kenny really wants to
keep her friendship he needs to figure out what makes me
happy as well. The relationship is "us," not just him.

Let me see... if I can put myself in his situation. O.K.
For example (with a few changes), the closest male friend
to me is Nick. If Kenny didn't know Nick, and Kenny told
me he felt uncomfortable about me hanging out with him, I'd
make it a sole purpose to have them meet. Hoping that when
Kenny meets Nick (and Nick being the cool person he is),
Kenny would want to be his friend too! If Kenny didn't
want to be his friend, I "would've" dropped Nick's
friendship. Now, I don't even know if Kenny is worth
losing a social friendship or my social life - for that
matter. So maybe that's what Kenny's thinking. Maybe I'm
not worth losing his friends, or his social life over. And
you know what, I know the exact reason for that! I'm too
boring of course! Boy, did that tear me up inside when
he "accidentally" slipped that out on the conversation.
I'm boring. Great! Well, if I'm so boring then why are
you with me! HUH?!

Am I too Jealous or could he at least try to ease my mind
about this other girl I don't know about? I feel like I'm
entitled to be as jealous as I want, although I know that
Jealousy is a very very bad trait. But I also feel that
Kenny should know how jealous I get, and should mold things
around this trait of mine. It's really simple! He thinks
I'm going to ruin his whole life if I only ask for him to
do certain things. Just keep it from me if you HAVE to do
it!!! Like I've reiterated to Kenny, I don't trust him.
His definition of "cheating" is different from mine. How
awful, I know!

Oh geez.

So why am I with him?.........


Because he's beautiful.


I really can't think of anything else right now, I'm still
very upset about him. All I can think of Kenny right now,
are very bad things.

He doesn't really put my "wants" first. He thinks of
himself before he thinks of me. He's not a very
responsible person, not the type of person I'd be happy
living with for the rest of my life. He's not too apt on
life, he doesn't comprehend lots of things. The more I get
to know him the more narrow-minded I find him to be.
And last but not least, I'm not his world. Selfish
thoughts? - I'm entitled since I live my life making sure
other people are happy, than me.