Insensitive Kitten

Insensitive Kitten
2001-05-18 05:42:16 (UTC)

...when I look at her she looks at me got me thinkin about her constantly but she dont know how i feel...

I hate it when I feel like my mind is taking over my body
and doing horrible things to me and I can't stop cos I'm
weak.

It's like a dream where you can't run.

I was making soup and recurring visions of me sticking my
finger in the boiling water to see how long I would last
kept popping in my mind. Almost blinding me...when I took
the spatula out of the water I watched the smoke rise from
it...almost taunting me. I wanted to put my tongue on it so
I wouldn't taste anything anymore from the burn. Before
that I was staring at the ice in the freezor....I like to
be numb....sometimes I suck on ice or put ice on my hand or
run my hand under cold water till it gets so numb it hurts.
And the ice was just there...watching me. Wanting me to put
as many in my mouth as I could.

I sound insane...and I realize this.

I just hate obsessing about feeling or not feeling.

Ways to get myself to feel....ways to stop myself from
feeling.

I'm so numb....

I can't tell if I wanna feel or be numb.

I think I'm numb already....or not.

I can't have an emotion anymore naturally....

I've totally disabbled that part of myself....

I'm surprised I breath on my own.


feel.feell.fall.die..lovslneoujsnbodujnoesejknkond

I'm a doll....a lifeless, china doll.

That's what someone called me once.

They said "You're so tiny and your face is so pretty...you
look like one of those china dolls."

I feel like one too.

My skin is made of porceline and my emotions are non
existent.

Look what I've fuckin done to myself.

I've stripped myself of feeling.....I've basically stripped
myself of life....

I might as well be dead.




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