2002-03-26 18:53:46 (UTC)


does absense make the heart grow fonder? i don't know. as
i explained to R yesterday, i don't miss scottie. not
yet. and, my question would be...aren't i supposed to?
aren't i supposed to miss him with this great big
yearning? and, if so, why don't i? it's weird. it's sort
of as if he was never a part of my life. is it some sort
of defense mechanism? that i close off my heart and
pretend as if the person never existed before? because, i
hate to say it, that's sort of the confused feelings i
have. do i miss him? urgh! i don't know.

and, aren't i supposed to want to be with the man of my
universe? the man that i would like nothing else other
than to live the rest of my life with? aren't i supposed
to miss him? because, i don't. what's wrong with me?

and, i'm soooo damned confused about wanting to date other
men. right now? i don't want to meet anyone. but, if
that's true, then why the new exercise program? why the
makeup and the dressing to flatter my figure? doesn't make
much sense, eh? at the same time, i don't go out and make
the effort to meet anyone. i don't know.

am i being too weird about it all? i know that when
scottie called me and we talked, my face lit up with a huge
smile! i floated for hours on that little conversation we
had. it was awesome! and, i know that i look at my email
box and when i don't receive an email, i do sort of get
sad. that's normal, isn't it?

i can't say that i know what i'm doing. i don't. but,
what i would like to know is if i am i love with scottie.
i know that when he's here, i am.

what R said last night, makes soooo much sense. he's
absolutely right! i could do better, i could get out there
and date anyone i wanted to. the problem is that i'm not
sure if i want to. every man that i meet, i compare with
scottie. every man that i meet has to ride a harley. has
to have the chemistry that scottie and i possess. he has
to be intelligent, make me smile and have the passion that
drives him. all that and more. because, he's going to
have to make me forget all about scottie. he's going to
have to be able to do so much more than that! isn't it
terrible? that i compare the men that i meet to scottie?
it doesn't give anyone much of a chance, now does it?

one of the things that i've come to realize is that i do,
in some sort of way, want a conventional lifestyle. i want
to get married and have a life with someone. and, if it
hadn't been for scottie, then i wouldn't have realized it.
i would love nothing other than to have scottie come home
and ask me to marry him. but, that probably won't happen.
so, the question i settle?