Comfortably Numb

It's Just Me...
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2002-03-26 02:15:00 (UTC)

Also Today 3/25

Ok, I figured I'd write again b/c I'm dope sick and I'm
really trying not to use again. So Jay if you read this,
don't tell nobody (that I'm dope sick). I guess this is a
time to tell you all about "my past". Well I did D before
I even smoked pot. Uh, I had my first line of D when I was
10 (i know, i know, i was sooo young...) and that was with
my friend Matt who was about 14 at the time. After about a
year after that I switched to shooting. When I did that, I
would shoot into my elbows until my mom started to get
suspicious. So I switched to my ankles and now I have some
scars from the tracks and I can't really wear pants without
ppl asking questions and shit. Anyway, I did that until I
was about 13. It was then that my mom started to notice
that her needles were missing (she's a nurse)and I decided
to quit while i still could. Note: quitting cold turkey was
one of the absolute worst things I have ever gone through
in my life. It was horrible. But after about a week the
withdrawals were over and I got a new group of ppl to hang
out with (I really don't consider anyone I hang out with a
friend per se...). I was doing really well until last
summer. Actually I'm really not doing that bad, I still
have As and I'm in honors classes in school (and yes I'm
well aware that that doesn't mean a thing). But anyway,
last summer I found out that a guy I hung out with had
started doing D, and after seein him the way I used to be,
I guess I was just weak. I gave in and asked him to get me
some if he could. The deal went through and I started using
on and off until about 3 months ago. I found more people to
get it from and everything went from there. I stole money,
jewelry, anything that would pay for my habit. Every bit of
money I got went towards it. One month I even stole the
money for our cable bill. Looking back, I still can't
believe the things I did. In truth I lost my self respect
as well as any feelings I had for others. I did really cut
back though. I only buy when I have the money myself (a
rule that I made for myself and broke when Matt -from
school, not the afore mentioned- offered to lend me 20$)and
all the people that I used to be able to buy from are
either locked up, in rehab, or in recovery. Now I have no
one to buy from, except if I find someone that can go to
this guy's house and get it for me. So now, in March of
2002, I'm about to leave for spring break in North
Carolina. Last weekend I bought 2 bags. That was Friday,
today is Monday, and I still have those bags. Even not
doing those bags gives me faith that I may still be able to
beat this, I just don't want to yet. Sorry, I'm really
trying not to mention names in this thing... Anyway, I've
really immersed myself into music and it's culture. It
really helps to have a backing. Even more of a help than
music, is my friend ********. I use that word very
sparingly and it is used in whole honesty here. When I
tried to kick my habit a few months ago, I would give her
any money I got, and she wouldn't let me spend it on D, or
spend it herself. If I had to choose a best friend I would
have to choose her. Whenever I feel like I'm going to steal
something to buy a bag, we'll put our money together and
get drunk. Now that my cousin is starting to experiment
in "drugs" I'm starting to worry how much I should let her
know about the things that I've done. When I use the word
drugs in quotations it's because everything so far has been
legal. i have a feeling that won't be lasting much longer,
but I'll deal with it as the time comes. Oh, if I sound
like I'm regretting having ever started D, I guess I kinda
do, but I'm just not ready to stop just yet. And of course
there's the possiblity that I could OD even next week, but
that chance is relatively low. I don't think I mentioned it
before, but when I started D again last summer, I snorted
and that's what I'm doing up to this day. Once again I'll
leave you all with a quote -- I have never belonged
wholeheartedly to country or State, to my circle of friends
or even to my own family...Such isolation is sometimes
bitter, but I do not regret being cut off from the
understanding and sympathy of other people.
-Albert Einstein