2002-03-25 19:38:59 (UTC)


"sometimes i want to lay down in fields of grass for no
apparent reason.
sometimes i think that there is nothing beautiful in this
world because
there is so much bullshit before you get to anything good.
and i don't know
if anything i say really matters that much. because clearly
i've changed.
you've changed. and maybe you never loved me as much as i
loved you. or
rather love you still. i'm actually quite sure of it but
that is nothing i
can change. "

"and i have just
reached this point where analyzing isn't forced anymore.
it's natural now
and it just skews everything so much and i can't feel
anything normal. no,
everything has to be so crazy in my head and i don't
understand. i don't
understand why i feel the way i do. or why i think everyone
is lying to me.
or why i'm bored with things. and i feel very incompetent.
and it hurts so
much because you are beautiful ashley. i realize that
coming from me, it
probably means nothing though and that's okay. i mean, even
if it isn't
okay now, one day it will be. because eventually this just
won't matter."

"but you are happy and that's all i
wanted to make you. i'm trying to make things okay with us
you know. that's
what this email is. you wanted to know i feel. and i feel
all of this. i
know what i write here is in vain because it won't change
anything. or how
you feel. but i'm putting myself on a limb right now and i
already know the
outcome. so that takes some fucking guts. so even if things
don't work out
and i can't handle this, don't think i never tried. because
i tried just as
hard as anyone else and probably harder than most just out
of love for you.
and i've never done that for anyone before and actually
meant it."